Sexless Relationship is Abusive Relationship
BG’s relationship with her husband might seem perfect to other people, but I know her marriage is experiencing death at its finest. Most men are sexual, however, some men have used sex to their advantage, as to control the women. Yes, believe it or not, women are not the only sex that have used this strategy. Some men are truly not interested in having sex with their long time mate anymore, and a some have low sexual desires. It can be more damaging mentally than a relationship with a sex maniac as you can not see the physical marks. A sexless relationship is mentally abusive. It is a parasitic emotional disaster that eats at the woman's self-esteem. The abuser is a husband, a provider, a friend, a kind person, a perfect citizen, and a great father.Can a Sexless Relationship Survive, Work?
I read some relationship articles recently to understand whether a sexless relationship, marriage can survive. Even when the articles claimed not to be advising typical modifications, they still did. An interesting article in our local magazine called: “Stop Calling Him Honey…and Start Having Sex!” centered around preserving the dating etiquette. It started out sounding like BG’s situation and made me so excited in hopes of learning something to share with my friend. The couple got along great. They are each others best friends. They did everything together, except having sex. Sex less than once a month is what the author referred to as sexless. Although the situation was similar, the advice was typical:- Treat each other with dating etiquette.
- Call each other by first names occasionally, and less honey, sweetheart.
- Tell your partner you love him/ her at least seven times a day.
- The nasty habits that you wouldn't dare share when you first date someone, you shouldn’t be sharing when you are married.
- Vice verse, the things that you do and steps that you take when you first date one another, should be preserved.
What To Do in a Sexless Relationship?
“What is BG going to do?” She loves her husband and she wants to be happy with him forever and after. But can she tolerate living the next 40 years sexless? Or have five-minute-sex with frustrations? When they do have sex, he ejaculates so fast that there is no point in having sex. She can’t sleep because of the frustration and huge disappointment while he snores and sleeps like a baby. She doesn’t know what to say to him as he laughs about their brief intimate encounters, apologizes, and shrugs it off. She, on the other hand, wished she could say: "Ok, that wasn’t good, but let’s do it again and this time stay a while." But that is a mute point in her relationship. It will be months, or god knows when they will have sex again.
Some women would say: “What the “f”? You thought that was funny? If I were you, I would spend some time figuring out how to make the equipment work better!” Poor BG. She is so sweet and doesn’t want to hurt her husband’s feelings. If you find yourself in this similar situation, you might as well put yourself in the category of abused! He is getting what he wants when he wants.
Recently, I ran across a question from one of the forums: “I Live In a Sexless Marriage | What Am I Supposed To Do?” This frustrated, sad woman was desperate for answers. Her husband told her he isn't attracted to her anymore, and that he still thinks about sex, just not with her. He holds her at night and tells her he loves her. So what is the problem? She thought it could be her weight while there were many responses from other commentators experiencing sexless marriages, they said it definitely wasn't because of her weight. I don’t agree with those comments.
What is the Cause of Sexless Relationships?
1) I really could see sexless if weight gain, or physically appalling was present.2) Even not getting along with your husband can also be a great sex killer. But what if you've got all the “Bs” = beauty, brain, butt, boobs, and gets along great with your mate, yet he / she still have no desire to have sex with you?
3) Is it because of ED? Some men suffer from the erectile dysfunction, and they don’t want to feel like a failure in their performance. Well, BG has gone as far as to get her husband some pills from their doctor, twice. And both times after he took them he said it nearly killed him and dismissed the pills.
Dearest BG is in a slow dying relationship. What her husband doesn’t realize is the toll it took on her self-esteem. Yes, this is the result for most women who are not being wooed, caressed, and touched. They become resentful, bitter, and cold. Why? Because rather than being sweet and loving, which would normally yield in the same reaction from the mate, but in a sexless relationship, there can only be a disappointment. She sweet and loving, he nonchalant and oblivious = he selfish, she resentful.
4) As I thought more about the question from the forum, and the details of the woman’s marriage – I thought could her husband be gay? Funny, no one in that forum has even mentioned the possibility. He wants to stay, doesn't find her sexually attractive anymore, holds her at night, and says he loves her like a family member, someone very dear. I would say, it has very similar tones of a gay man. I suspect he is currently exploring his sexuality, but not ready to let go. He needs her for the front, and for the comfort of being loved, as the homosexual relationships tend to be promiscuous and not reliable for most couples.
3 Phases of Sexless Relationship Slow Death
There are three phases a sexless relationship usually experience.- First phase, when one realizes that they are in a sexless relationship, they are worried. They want to fix it. They talk about it to their mate, and want to know why it happens. They both agree in getting help, finding ways to rekindle.
- Second phase, nothing changes. There are many more years of sexless living, one mate is completely fine with it, while the other is torn to pieces. This phase lasts the longest. It goes and goes until the frustrated mate can no longer put-up, or realizes life is too short to be made miserable by someone.
- Third phase, the frustrated mate decides to, 1) find a sex buddy, 2) starts building a wall to protect her vulnerability. She retaliates, and starts living as a roommate, brother and sister, family style, 3) the frustrated partner becomes weak, starts being anything and everything just to have some intimacy. She becomes a sex slave. Giving but not getting back.
up, or decides life is too short to be made miserable by another person. The same path applies to all the third phase choices, which is a decision to bury the relationship and move on.
To me, a sexless relationship is abusive like slow deaths. It isn't obvious, yet a person is trapped in the marriage and children, and for many people sex is considered a want not need. A sexless relationship is demeaning to the woman, it makes her feel like she is begging for attention. It is belittling her self-esteem, and mentally depressing.
I am sorry BG, my final conclusion after the research is that there is no happily ever after. The relationship has slowly died, as with the couple from the local magazine mentioned prior. They eventually divorced and went their separate ways. Even if you want it to work and pretend nothing has happened, it will surface again and again. Even if things seemed normal for the most part, you will remember all the pain and frustrations you've been through to successfully bring his libido up to par. This alone will make you sick to your stomach. Unless you’re a saint, there is very little willpower for you to pretend the last 15 years didn't cut like a knife.
Is there anything else a couple can do to improve their sex life? Can anyone explain why a man isn't as sexually driven as we think men are?
Update 4/29/15: If you think someone could benefit from this article, please share with them the link. There are also great information from the comments down below, be sure to check it out.
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217 Comments
Stupid computer, I wasn't done yet.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you wrote about this. My husband and I don't have a sexless marriage, but we don't have sex enough in my opinion. I have never talked about it before since all my friends complain that their husbands want sex too much. I wish I had their problem! I feel so rejected by my husband and we fight about it all the time. I feel like these same things apply to me being frustrated and then having it go away, just to pop up again. Nothing changes and I don't think it ever will. I asked him to go see someone, he said yes. That was 7 months ago and he still hasn't seen anyone. The worst part, I knew he didn't mean it when he said he would go.
It's nice knowing that I'm not the only woman going through this.
Often we only hear of women complains about their husband always being on, but I don't often hear of women complaining their husband's lack of interest in sex. I hope you and your husband will sort it out soon.
DeleteI think if he approach it with an open mind, and treat it as if it is another maintenance program (example: exercising as we get older is a must, not a choice anymore) then it should be easier to figure out.
Wow!!!! I know this alll to well I feel like this is about me , I've tried it all sexting flirting with him wearing sexy outfits I even went to him and asked to try in step out his box lets watch porn together something of course he declined. Ughhhh it's sooooo stressful it's going on 3 months it's like he can take or leave sex it's nothing to him but me I love it lol it's so hard trying to get him come around I just completely stopped !!!!!!!! I watch porn alone use my dildo n I'm even thinking bout getting a friend ughhhh I really don't want to buy he doesn't for full my sexual appeitate
DeleteI hear you. It is very frustrating. If one person wants it and the other person doesn't, what is there to do? Do you leave him for it? If there are kids involved, it isn't easy like that. If getting a buddy is out of the question, and using toys isn't one's thing, then what is there to do? Stay miserable in the relationship and call it the end of one's sex life?
DeleteKaren, it is impossible to know what is best sometimes, but we all probably agreed if we love someone we would try to resolve our problems together. If one doesn't want to or can't then we know we have a much deeper problem. That is when we need to get other professionals involved. If that doesn't work, then we have to revisit our feelings for each other and decide then, what is best. Everyone deserves happiness.
DeleteMeka, If you've tried, and have approached him often enough, then you've done your part. Perhaps if you tell him about your thoughts for a buddy, what would he say? I am thinking he might not like that and will try to prevent it from happening. It can be so frustrating, I hope you will find a resolution soon. Best, Amanda
DeleteI read this and feel like this story was written about me, I have endured at least 20 year marriage of abuse. If he wasn't degrading or physically abusing me, then he was physically neglecting me. Now the verbal abuse and physical abuse has stopped, but he has made no effort to make the relationship more physical. Even when we went to a marriage counselor who told us that a physical relationship is a must to stay connected, he did not make the effort and lied at the sessions to make me sound like a horrible person. So I refused to keep going. He now uses the excuse that I complain too much and put him down, but I'm angry and frustrated that he has never made the effort and that nothing ever happened in our relationship unless is was me who initiated it. He is VERY good at shifting the blame to someone else for his bad behaviour, in every situation. Yes, I am bitter, on top of never remembering any of our anniversaries, or my birthday, he doesn't' feel the need to initiate any sexual contact? As well, I've asked him to stop sleeping in the bed, as like the other girl can't understand how he can just lye there snoring like a baby, yet not be bothered by NOT having sex. And to that he complies, willingly. I've been made to feel inadequate, and unimportant in yet another abusive way.
DeleteI live in a sexless marriage but it is because of my husbands declining health. He cannot get an erection. We tried every pill and injection out there. It just got worse and he stopped trying. He totally lost his sex drive. When I tell him how upsetting it is to me and I can't imagine my sex life is over for the rest of my life he doesn't seem to care. I feel like we are just roommates. I miss the intimacy so much I am so sad I don't know what to do. I still love him I don't want to divorce him because of his health issues but this no sex thing is tearing me apart.
Deletestatistically speaking this happens more in blokes than it does in women. I feel that speaking about this with my GF is a fruitless exercise as everytime I bring this up I feel like I am the one being selfish. She has openly told me that the lack of sex in our relationship doesn't bother her. It bothers me alot, but in this day and age talking about such things makes me feel like I am the one with the problem. Reading what the ladies go through is a comfort to me that it isn't just men that have these problems in relationships. For me I can either accept it or don't accept it and go through the hell of not being able to see my kids whenever I want to. I went through this before with my ex wife and for me this is a catch 22 situation.
Delete@AnonymousApril 6, 2013 at 6:54 AM. I once was married to a man as you described, though not as long as you have been I endured his verbal abuse, shifting the blame, and manipulating for 12 years. I had no self esteem left, every time I try to come to him to ask that we would work it out, because I was miserable in the relationship, he would dismissed me. He would not talk to me, but instead, made me feel like I was bothering him, like I was a big nag!
DeleteIt got to the point where I had asked that he set me free because I can no longer tolerate the terrible relationship of always feeling like a crazy person for asking him to be affectionate and talk to me. He did not want to be the one to file for the divorce, so from that point, it took another two years for me to get up the nerves to file for a divorce myself. In your case, it is very well that you could use some recuperation from this abusive, power control freak. I believe that the man I knew was using it to gain power over me, to set me to the lowest degree of being human. Feeling half way insane and zero self esteem. Of course after I left him, I realized that I am so much more than how he made me feel. I remarried to a wonderful person, although he is not perfect, he certainly set my happiness above all else, and that is all I have always wanted. It is a silent way of abusiveness, but make sure you know this if you decided to stay around, to know what you can do for yourself so that your spouse do not always get you down!
@health issues. Isn't it sad? It is frustrating beyond belief to think that while you have all these years of your life left, you will be sexless if living with this same spouse. If you swear to be faithful and not seek anyone else, your only option is to be terribly lonely and sexless! I guess the next step is to sit him down and talking some difficult truths. If he has loss interest, how will you motivate him? Will another woman help to bring his desires back? If that is something you can't handle, then, what about you finding some one that will enjoy sex - will he be ok with that? Something has got to give, someone has to be bold enough to make the changes. He has tried, and is happy without the sex. Then fine. But if you are not happy with it, you will need to come up with some ideas.
DeleteI know it isn't easy to know what is right, but the only thing we both know is that "you don't want to spend the rest of your precious life sexless" so let's find a way that you both can agree on whatever it might be. It might be difficult at first, but then, eventually we all will get accustom to changes.
@Cuffy Bigglesworth: It is true that there are many males who encounter women past their forties not being interested in sex anymore. I think it is true in the earlier generation that the women did not know how to enjoy sex. The later generations have found that women too can enjoy sex just as much and they have now become more interested in a longer sex life.
DeleteFor either males or females though, the one with the more sex drive always made to feel like a "jerk". Why complain about something like sex? It is not as important like, let's take some examples: finances, paying the bills, the kids' education. But mentally the sexless is a big torture for people who do want sex and not able to get it. It is basically not a normal life when one has to be sexless not by choice. If so we would all convert to nuns and priests. It's a shame that sometimes it has to come down with asking yourself the hard question of whether love without sex can be enough for you or not?
Me an my Husband started out with a Bang having sex for hours on end even in public places. This Man couldn't keep his hands off of me! I noticed 3yrs into the marriage things got strange, We would have sex, I would fall a sleep only to wake up an find him sitting in the livingroom, watch porns ordered from the cable for #13.00 a pop! When I would ask him about it he would lie to me, But of course why would a grown man leave his bed at 2:00 in the morning to watch TV in the livingroom When there is a TV in our bedroom?? He would hide the bills so I couldn't see what he rented, but at this time we were still having sex with each other, by 2010 I had a gut feeling that he was cheating on me, our sex life got less an less an he started to leave me at home as we had a business together an worked side by side each day, He would talk to me all day on his cellphone? HuH! for what it never made sence to me, why did you leave me home, just to call me an talk for hours? Well needless to say I found out that he was calling Sexphone Hotlines an on his cellphone had all kinds of porn hid an booked marked, It was only after finding this out on my own by digging through his phone that I found strange numbers that would say mail box is full, So I couldn't leave a message, I confronted him on all this an he did nothing but LIE..You see I had just found out I had Married a sex addict! We went to a therapist for a few months but it did not work, an by his own hands we stopped! He lives in denial! He sits around an tells me he loves me but kisses me on the for head, I have told him that were just room mates, Then he gets Mad but I don't care!!! It did hurt very much at first that this man I married, who told me on a daily basis how beautiful I was an how we were going to live a long happy with sex life, but it was only LIEs!, I know that I have to DIVORCE him because all I was to him was an ADDICTION, He never loved me it was all about him!! But now I know it's time to take care of me! an that is the only thing that matters! good luck to all of you, I used to feel the same way, ugly not wanted, but I look in the mirrior an I like what I see, I will not let him take my sprit or selfesteem!
Delete@Bang. It sounds like porn is another escape for a lot of these men.
Delete@Self Sagacity: I have learned that it really isn't escape, It's an illness an addiction like drugs, drinking or gambling, Something has happened to these Men in childhood that makes them unable to be true to them selves an to really open up an allow them selves to be Loved by any Woman, they look at them as objects an nothing more. So when they tire of them they just move on to the next Sexual act that will get them higher!
DeleteIt's not the Women that they are with fault, No matter what they do it will never be enough, that's the sad thing about this type of addiction, They are ashamed of them selves and in constance fear of being found out, If they followed a 12 step program they might get well as with therapy to, But I know my husband is in total denial!!! an I will never trust him, Since I did find out, an he tries to make me believe that it never happened
I also know for a fact that he was calling these sexphone hotlines, because his cellphone was giving to him by someone in his family an on there plan together, an this person told me about it, an I say this to him but he just tells me the other person is a lier! I know for a fact there is no reason for the other person to lie to me not to mention ,this person didn't tell me until 3yrs after the fact, Oh! an by the way we as being a married couple have not touch each other for about 3 years! an I must say it does make me Sick to lay next to someone who Snores so loud that the roof sounds like it's going to fall in! LOLOLO) I'm guessing I'm pissed an venting now, just wanted to reply back to you, so thanks :)
Thanks @Bang. I really appreciate your reply and comment. It could very well be something in their childhood. It seemed that most mental disorders arise from the events in someone's childhood. I am a curious person, especially when it comes to something so simple that I don't understand. Like porn addiction. It's enlightening to hear it from someone who has experienced the drama. I wish you a wonderful and healthy relationship one day. Sincerely, Amanda
DeleteWomen, L-Arginine. I am a man who loves his wife more than anything on this earth, but along with a prior dug problem (prior, mind you) and a naturally very low libido, I have had major sexual problems with my wife. Now, she has all of the Bs. Honest to god, not just saying this because she's the love of my life who in my eyes will never ever have an imperfection. I have always had a lack of desire, but with that comes so much more. So much that simply wasn't able to be given. Passion, full appreciation, requests able to be consistently satisfied.
DeleteMy wife is an angel who has helped me immensely in my life. She pulled me out of the gutter when we met, she pin pointed my bipolar mood disorder/severe manic depression and also my low libido probably a year into our relationship. At this time on our relationship we were preparing for marriage. I always had this false pride that I guarantee every man with this problem has. This problem caused loss of erections, not one ever had anything to do with my wife, it caused a lack if any erection at all even after things had been steamy for a bit. Then there were times when I was fine and thought things were good but I found out the hard way that to a woman, there's so much more to pleasure then the two of you "getting off." 5 minutes of fooling around and sex is not nearly enough! But with my condition, I was incapable of giving her what she needswas a consistent basis and in a lot of ways, ever.
She had been mentioning libido for some time and for some reason, I hadn't got any help or done any research. I thought I could handle it myself. I was wrong and my mistakes still have my marriage teetering between being rebuilt and tossed aside. So I, somehow, finally accepted that I have a problem and we went to GNC together and bought a bottle of t-bomb II. A testosterone booster. This worked well for about a week but I did some research on it because it seemed to taper off. My desire, my passion and my "hardness" all seemed to improve. I believe it was a placebo. I looked it up and there are simply too many things crammed into one pill for any to have the desired effect. Not enough of any of the ingredients. My problems persisted. My wife continued falling further and further from me. This problems also breaks down other essential parts of a relationship. Its so demoralizing to a man that its so difficult to hear how deprived your wife is feeling and cause you, or me at least, to argue over it. I argued with her over her opening up to and telling me how she's feeling, what she wants, and her intense curiosity as to what f*** is going on! This completely dismantled our communication. Completely! I saw her looking at dating sites.. WOW! I once again came to my senses and did ALOT of research on natural cures. This is when I came across L-Arginine.
L-Arginine was isolated in 1998 and won the Nobel prize. It does SO MUCH for a persons body! I've read about it called the "miracle vitamin." It is used to treat ED, promotes stronger, more frequent erections. It has upped my libido to the point where I have sexual fantasies of my wife NUMEROUS times a day! My passion and desire has improved greatly! When I get my hands on my wife, I don't want to take them off! I want appreciate every inch of her incredibly maintained body with my hands and lips for as long as I can! My stamina has also been much better! I was surprised by this! Also with having such a full erection, I feel heavier and bigger down there! Its wonderful and I can't believe I didn't know about this sooner. It also helps with daily energy! Its cheap and very accessible! It will be at your local pharmacy. I take 6 grams a day along with fish oil and 50 mg of zinc (which every man should be taking!). I HIGHLY recommend you look into this for your man! It could help greatly! That's my story :-)
--Jon
Thank you for writing in Jon. It is natural that as men age (especially white men) they lose their hardness. The difficult part is getting them to accept it. Accept that they need real help. A lot of men think that they can fix the problem themselves by exercising and eating right. It doesn't always work that way. There comes a time when the body due to age does not react as it once did. I have been hoping for some answers such as yours to be published. I even thought about posting the different types of enhancement to help the guys. The research continues as I haven't found any that doesn't have any side effects. I appreciate you leaving the name and will do some dnd myself.
DeleteWow, for a moment I thought I'd clicked on my own relationship blog :-).
ReplyDeleteYou've dealt with this topic very well. Sadly, this happens to so many marriages. Oddly, people think it's usually the woman who refuses sex in marriage, but sometimes it can be the man too.
Both parties have to be willing, but people can regain that part of their relationship with hard and dedicated work.
Thanks Anne, it is a subject which is very touchy. My BG is more on the shy side as opposed to me so it is terribly harder in many ways for her to talk about such intimate situations to her husband. It is a good thing she is neither in my blogging circle, or the parents circle.
DeleteThanks for the advice, you wrote many relationship articles and therefore know this subject well. I too believe both people have to want it to happen.
Even though we both said that we want to try to make things work. My wife seems very disinterested. For example: I am the one who has to come up with ideas. I am the one that thinks for the both of us in what we can do to revive the relationship. It gets old.
DeleteForgive me, but sometimes I think I rather spend all the time I am trying to make it work, on spending time finding a new mate that has the same interest...in sex with me.
That's a shame when only one side truly tries. Sometimes it is hard Paul to find equality in a relationship, but I hope that your love is strong enough to find generosity so that you both can work them out. Best, Amanda
Deletei am also in a sexless relationship, and to be honest its killing me ! we are supposed to be getting married next year and i love him to bits, but i really dont want to be in a sexless relationship !!!!! im so torn......stay and marry the man i love or get out of a sexless relationship ?????
DeleteAnonymous...Get OUT BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. My sex life started falling apart right before we got engaged. I thought proposing would reinvigorate the relationship. Instead, the sex just disappeared further with the stress of planning a wedding. Once we were married, my wife felt secure in the relationship and essentially stopped being sexual in any way, shape, or form. Rather than take the hint, I trucked on trying to do anything to improve the relationship. We eventually had an amazing little girl and now are sex life is really, really gone (kids will do that). Years later, I'm just a prisoner in a depressing relationship. I now obsess over the fact that there is no sex in our relationship, and I can't focus, I can't sleep, I constantly watch porn for release, and my wife and I fight constantly.
DeleteGET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!
@getting married. If you don't want to go through what the women on this article is going through, then save yourself. If you know this going in and have plans then it should not matter, if you don't have plans, then I would say start making some right away. I am sure you have your reasons as to why you are getting married knowing this person will provide not sex, but is it worth it? Life already has so much complications why invite a major major problem into your life?
DeleteAnn Lyken the reason people tend to think it is mostly the woman who goes off sex is because women are afraid to speak up when it is the man who goes off sex. Because we live in a society where women are blamed when going off sex for a short while after childbirth. Women are also blamed when their husbands dont want sex anymore "oh if only she hadnt put on so much weight or taken better care of herself.
DeleteAlso if women speak up about their sexual needs they are slut shamed. So more women suffer in silence about this than men do. Thats why it looks like its more common for the woman to go off sex because men speak up much more when they are being deprived of it because they are NOT slut shamed. They are also less likely to get derogatory comments made about their appearance and less likely to get their wife not wanting sex with them blamed on them or their appearance. Last year a magazine here in the UK called Easy Living ran a big article about sexless marriages. In the article therapist Andrew G Marshall said that the amount of men and women going off sex was a pretty even split and that it is a myth that it is mostly women who go off it.
@ Anonymous I think it's also worth knowing that imbalances in hormones (more likely in women) can cause a woman to feel drab and disinterested in many things - sex included. However, other things can happen in a relationship that makes the woman turn off her partner.
DeleteOn the side of the men, they are susceptible to illnesses and dysfunction too. I don't think women are necessarily afraid to speak up. We're more patient and feel that the relationship is more than sex. We want to believe that if we wait long enough things will even themselves out. We get pleasure from 'just cuddling' and emotional closeness so the absence of sex takes a longer time to kick in.
Having said that, I won't advice anyone to enter into a sexless marriage. It will matter in the future even if you don't think it matters now.
Same here. Roommate situation, getting ready to leave. The economy is really a problem. Finding money for rent and probably have to pay 1/2 mortgage. Unsure when to do it. It's years overdue. Femininity feeling is gone here. But on the flip side, through past memory, (20 year marriage -I only attribute technically a few years though) and have been looking ... Have someone - or so I thought, now. I have yet to find a man interested in sex. Even when I was in my 20's. So the woman that state 'my guy is all over me' or 'it's constant'. Good for you. I've never met a man like this. and I give up. Must be me and my looks, or body, or my great sexual confidence. Plus the fact I don't sleep with men on the first, second, etc. dates. So I guess to win sexually, I need to be a skank.
DeleteIM sorry Ann but that reply you have given is full of damaging stereotypes. There are men who just dont like sex and there are women who love it. In my case he hasnt even held my hand for 17 years.
DeleteIf you look again through what Sage has posted she points out a case where the woman tries to communicate with her husband and he laughs about their brief encounters Yes he laughs at her. Because of the thinly veiled mysogynistic attitudes in society that women shouldnt/dont really like sex anyway. Its a HUGE MASSIVE double standard in society and thats what many women are starting to get fed up with. His laughter lets his wife know that she doesnt matter and is also a subtle form of slut shaming. It also shows that he thinks of her as a receptacle to have sex ON rather than WITH when he does deign to "grace her with it" When women do speak up about these situations they are subtly or directly slut shamed. Because that keeps them nice and quiet and meekly accepting the status quo.
she needs to find the root cause of the problem: Is the guy just not good at sex and doesn't enjoy it (maybe low self-confidence, or shyness, or bad experiences in the past, or whatever) or is he simply not attracted to her and doesn't want to have sex with her (maybe she's not good at it)?
ReplyDeleteIn the case of the first one, I think there is a better chance of solution. They can go to therapy or take pills or watch videos or any combination of the above. Maybe he has some secret fantasies that if she could fulfill, then their sex life would get back on track. The key thing is that she has to be part of the solution. If she just finger points to him and tells him that it's his problem and he needs to figure out a solution, nothing will happen.
In the case of the second one, it is more difficult. You can't force attraction. She may be perfect "on paper" in every way -- pretty face, great body, loving personality, well educated, etc. but the guy may still not be attracted to her. Or maybe he was physically attracted to her initially, but then it wore off over time and replaced with more of a friendship. I think that's pretty common with a lot of couples. Once you see the same person day in and day out, having to deal with all the usual stuff of daily life and see them clipping their toenails, it can be pretty hard to have that same attraction that you initially had.
It can also be a combination of the two. They need to have some honest and probably difficult conversations (or continue to put their head in the sand and ignore reality and hope that it will somehow magically fix itself).
Thank you for writing in and giving your feedback as a man. You sound like a man, so I am going at this reply as if you are.
DeleteOften, it is very difficult to "talk" to ANY man that is part of your life since they always classify the disscussions to be "nagging."
I agree with you that the attraction wears off. Totally understand that overtime, the meal that we so loved - for me it is Krung Thai special salad, isn't as appetizing this year as was last year.
Your point though about her being part of the solution is an absolutely great advice. She did try to offer drugs as a solution to make it less of an effort. I don't know why he dismissed it, probably a combination of the fact that he doesn't thinks he needs it or that the side effects was too much for him? I think there are other things he can try?
It also helps if the man has a higher libido than a woman. He would do an ugly girl too if it was just sex.
Again, thanks Stud Muffin and hope you will write back again.
I was told that people are not meant to be with one partner for the rest of their lives and still have the excitement and lust in sex. Does anyone here think that way? I know that overtime everyone gets immune to the same thing. Is there anyone that is exception to this saying? I have to admit, that saying is not too far from being truth at least in my circle of friends, anyways.
DeleteI do agree with you Maggie that after so many years we tend to take one another for granted. Couples settled into routines and it is hard to keep the excitement alive, but there are books and therapy for those who want to explore possibilities. Perhaps you might want to check with Amazon or Barns and Nobles on relationship tips.
DeleteI came across this post and wanted to contribute. I have many patients who are not happy with their sex life. 10 % of them find their spouse not attractive anymore. 20% are still attracted to their spouses but are tiring of having sex with the same person. 30% have lower sex drives than their mates. The other 40% have ED! The problem with the latter 70% is that they will not seek help, and if they do, they are not honest with their problems. They will not tell the physicians the whole truth. Many of them will speak to their own therapist, or psychologist, and of the 30% that have lower sex drives there will be 25% of them not wanting to have sex with the same person, the same way, the same place. So those are my stats here. Hopefully this will shed some light for those of who wishes to understand why your mates are not having sex.
DeleteI think we = my husband and I try to ignore it. Life is fine if we don't expect sex or talk about sex with each other. I really talk to no one about my situation. It has been more than 11 years, and I am almost numb. I think about it occasionally, and wondered if my husband might be having sex else where. At this point, it is either I leave or I stay, so I chose to stay and ignore, but it never goes away!
DeleteIsabella. Your sexless time length sounds impossible for a normal relationship. I don't have all the back ground of your story but it would be a very hard thing for me to take. Ignoring only works for a short time as you said, it's still with you. I feel for you eventhough you didn't dislosed a lot. I hope you will find an escape soon or by the grace of God, things will work out for you both. Miracles exist.
DeleteMost men are sex animals. It's like second nature to them. Usually, a man totally enjoys fullfilling his wife's sexual needs before his own. He sounds like he simply isn't sensitive to her needs or perhaps even embarssed to address them dispite the joking.
ReplyDeleteWho initates the love making? Him? Maybe, she needs to start things off with a little show of her own. This may be want he needs to get the picture.
I want a show for everytime too. Don't you? That would be so much more fun than the mundaine stuff.
Delete@Cathy, "most men are sex animals" = but they also have a animal-ism personality that comes with it. Meaning they are dogs, and will have sex with whoever. They are usually not nice and giving, the nice ones are timid and shy and they are certainly not aggressive in bed.
DeleteSo are we saying there are two distinctive kinds of males, aggressive and timid? The aggressive males are always the one thought to have the higher sex drive and the timid ones less? I think both timid or aggressive can have high sex drives, the aggressive one probably act on it more. smiles.
DeleteI think sex is more difficult for men. We have to get aroused and stay aroused. It can be a lot of pressure, and sometimes if things have not gone well with a woman in the past, the pressure feels 100 times greater and it makes it even worse. I definitely understand the comment about how the woman's offer to help can be perceived as nagging, especially because this is a very sensitive subject, and simply talking about it can put even more pressure on the guy. It's really difficult to break the cycle. The best thing is to not overthink it, just relax and let nature take its course.
ReplyDeleteMost men are very visual. If they're not physically attracted to the woman, it's very difficult to make it work. I think physical attraction is also important for women, but I don't think it's as important. Women are usually not as superficial as men and look for other things beyond his looks, such as love. Otherwise what else explains how all these ugly guys are getting laid? :) Women are just a lot more pleasant to look at than men. Look at the covers of men's magazines (Playboy, etc) -- what do you see? Beautiful women. Looks at the covers of women's magazines (Cosmo, etc) -- what do you see? Beautiful women! If I was a woman, I would definitely be a lesbian :)
I do agree with Cathy's comment about men wanting to fulfilling their woman's needs before their own. It may not be the case when men are 20 years old and trying to hump anything that moves, but as they become older and less selfish lovers, it definitely changes. But ladies, we also need you to help. Sex with "the good wife" is boring; sex with "the bad girl" is more fun. And isn't sex supposed to be FUN? BG may be the most beautiful woman in the world, but her man may be tired of the same old look and routine (it even happens to Halle Berry and Eva Longoria, right?). My recommendation to her is to break out of the routine, spice things up, be a bad girl, go to Victoria's Secret and buy a bunch of trashy stuff, then the two of them should get of the house and go somewhere and boink each others' brains out.
You've summed it up. I heard this before from my SO. Men are more visual, et. Sometimes I wondered if they are not looking at all the naked photos when they can, I mean as a wife and mother and career oriented woman, I am all wrapped up in clothes 99% of the 24 hours. Forgive me, but I think men are more complicated and requires too much maintenance than women. I am am simple when it comes to everyday life, I know what I have to do, and I just do the right things, and everything else falls into place.
DeleteWhen the situation calls for more thinnking then I stop and work on it, but unless it requires some extra help, I am not slacking.
Very interesting discussion and article.
ReplyDeleteI think he is either simply selfish, afraid, or hiding another life he wants to have, but then I could be wrong.
Doesn't seem like he wants to try much though and using jokes to cover the situation just makes it worse.
I totally understand about her being shy. I'm that way.
My husband and I do not have a healthy sex life. I don't feel inclined to have sex with him, not because I fiind him unattractive, but because things are not well with our relationship. He doesn't seem to put much care into being with us and helping and participating and all he wants to do is for me to climb into bed. No. That doesn't sit well with me and I promise if he was up and about and took care of himself and take part in the daily life of our family, we'd be a whole lot closer and more loving and sex wouldn't seem like a chore to me.
Too much long story...but there.
Yes. Sometimes I think like that woman I read about in the forum- link in the article. I think he might be wondering about his sexual preference. This happens all the time now aday becuase people are more free to explore their needs.
DeleteI think when things are not great, it is understandable. What really puzzles me about her situation is they are great together - at least in front of me and SO.
Thanks for sharing your situation. I take it back, I m still hopeful for BG and for you!
Jamerican...did you ever consider that your husband is distancing himself from you and family because he feels neglected by you sexually? As a guy in the opposite scenario, I've always been helpful around the house, do most of the cooking and child care, and I'm always trying to do fun activities, trips, etc and get my wife to join me. However, as our sex life fell apart my wife blamed it on stress from having to work then do chores around the house..and she asked for more help from me. I abided, and then I was doing a vast majority of the house work, plus holding down a job of my own. After months of bending over backwards for my wife (to relieve her stress so we could have sex more) there was NO change in her attitude toward our sex life. She still wasn't interested. So, the result was me just shutting her out of my life emotionally. I stopped doing the extra work. I started spending hours at the gym, hiking, running errands, just driving around the neighborhood listening to the radio (anything to pass the time AWAY from her). It was my way of saying, "I did my part and you still neglected me, so now you can go F-yourself, by yourself."
DeleteThe solution: have more sex with your husband. Make it hot and dirty, and he will certainly be more interested in spending time with his lover and wife.
I'll tell you ALL the truth right now - either he's having an affair or about to. End of story. I don't know one guy who doesn't want to have sex with his wife at some stage. No one I know who is healthy is not keen to at least prove himself - that doesn't sound good to women I know but there are plenty of men out there that take sex this way. Also, to all the beautiful women that have replied in this article, where were you when I was looking for a partner - I have a high sex drive and low drive partner....... not a good place to be in. Will not cheat, cannot do it, but there is a situation looming I can just tell. Men and women are different I agree but we are supposed to be, remember? Isn't that part of the fun to find out what makes eachother tick so to speak? I personally feel that if you find yourself in a sexless relationship for a long period - get out. Just get out. Be honest with yourself first. Life is too short and most people will always find excuses for their selfish behaviour - run and find something for yourself.
DeleteSo deep . So true . I really never thought of a sexless relationship as being abusive . But it is . Everything you said in this article is so true . Thank-you .
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. I hope you felt some comfort in what has been shared here.
DeleteMy experience and that of my friends, is that it's e guys who lose interest... It's an urban myth perpetuated by male ego that puts women at 'fault' on this one. .. I've had 4 long term relationships , each time the male has lost interest, not me. I'm attractive and in great shape so it's nothing to do woth that . Long term monogamy is not natural now that we live so long, and women have choice.
ReplyDeleteThanks for leaving your comment. I heard the same philosophy when I first stepped out into the world of dating. It shocked me and shattered my innocence towards love and happily ever after. Now, the older I get, the more I believe the monogamy is not natural to be true. Humans are not made to not be weary or become tire of the same repetitiousness. We are made for changes, and adaptable to new.
DeleteI cried reading this, it's so true. I'm about to marry someone I'm in a sexless relationship with and I know I can't do it anymore. I love him and cherish him but its not worth it to live so unhappy. The whole post reminds me of myself and it scares me.
ReplyDeleteIt is very difficult to be in a sexless relationship if you enjoy sex. If you have been with him for a long time already, I can't imagine that you would want to endure the rest of your life like that. It could work out, but he has to be extremely understanding.
DeleteI can only imagine what it is like to be in such predicament. I truly hope you will sort it out soon, we only have the one life we are given. And the good years go fast.
FYI... if he is not having sex with you now, it will only get worse after you get married and he knows that he's "got you." Trust me, I know.
DeleteI think it gets worst when the man gets older too. My husband's desires to have sex dropped off a lot more when he turned 49, and now in his 50's, he is not interested at all. We have sex about once every three to four months, and that is good /healthy. If you are not having sex, oh boy, make sure you are completely content with this before you marry him.
DeleteThis article is my life. My dh and I are "that couple"...the ones who everyone talks about being "perfect". We are both good looking, successful, social. But if he never had sex again, it would be ok with him. I noticed when we were first dating that he seemed timid in bed...unsure. Which was crazy to me, because he was 35, and gorgeous, and his history was one of relationships that lasted about a year. He told me all his relationships ended when the woman wanted a committment, and he just didn't want to get married. Until me. I hated that he had a lower drive than me, but I adored him, adored him...and thought that if once every 10 days or so was his speed, then ok, fine...I will live with that, and maybe we can work on it. But it got less and less...all the while with me tapping him on the shoulder, letting him know that this was dangerous and hurtful...he'd make some excuse, say we'd work on it...but nothing ever changed. I mean, I have put his hand on my breast, and he has kissed my forehead and pulled his hand away. We actually went for more than 2 years without sex. We have been married for 8 years. I adore him still, and want to die with him....but it costs so very much. I wanted a big family, I wanted to be with someone that I am bonded with in an intimate way. He is so good to me in every way...kind, attentive, engaged....but simply doesn't want sex. He says he loves me, please don't leave him, etc....but nothing has helped. He has been to doctors, (no issues hormonally or otherwise), shrinks....but nothing ever changes. I have never been in so much pain....and I fear it is time for me to leave my marriage, because it is just a sin to live in this much misery and lonliness.
ReplyDeleteThis last comment just hit me in the head. I can't believe the similarities in the relationship and my own. I am also very frustrated that I feel like I am trapped. I have children and they are still young. I do not want them to go without a father around or split the custody. Yet, I am so, so, so lonely sometimes that I lost sight of the priorities. When these times hit, I just want to take a sleeping pill and not have to deal with it. It is so terrible to think that while sex should come naturally and spontaneously between two people, sexless is killing me slowly.
DeleteThank you both for your comments. I really appreciate that you're sharing. @Anonymous, as I was reading your story everything sounded perfect. Your man seemed like a great guy, compatible, and wonderful, yet, there is the sex issue. How is this possible? After this post, I found that there are many males who became disinterested...it sounds like hummm...I hate to say it, could he be homosexual and not wanting to come out? Sorry, I had to bring this up, since I know a few that had been through this same issue, and the guys were handsome. I believe that the misery caused by someone we love is harder to deal with than the misery that we put upon ourselves. We don't need anyone to make us feel bad, life in general will already take care of our shares.
DeleteJulie: I feel like if there is a happy medium, if the guys would allow the women to have sex with others, since they don't want it, then it would solve a lot of the problems. Unfortunately, the guys are too proud, and there are also the chances that the women might not stay around in the marriage if they found a sex buddy, or the sex buddy could turn psycho and want more. I wish you well everyday and that you don't have many of those nights. Very best regards, Amanda
I am in the same boat. I have been married for 11 years to a really wonderful man. He was never an animal in bed but during the first years of our marriage, we would have sex once or twice a week and he would always take the time to please me, even if it took a long time.10 years ago we had our daughter. I lost all my pregnancy weight within about 18 months and bought new clothes, beautiful underwear. I have always taken good care of myself. Even though I am no beauty queen, people often comment on how good I look (I stay fit, I dress nice and I wear a little makeup, have beautiful long hair). About 2 years after my daughter was born, I noticed that my husband avoided sex. For years, we had sex about 6-7 times per year and I was the initiator. About 5 years ago, I brought up the subject and tried to find out what the problem was. He would never have a clear answer; sometimes he would say he was tired or another time he would say he does not know. For years, I would go and see him in his room (we have separate rooms since he snores too much), I would lie besides him and nothing would happen. Or, I would make it clear I wanted to make love, but he would say 'I am tired...I am sorry'. I would go back to my room crying. Years went by and the situation got worse. I need to point out that during all these years, we never fought...We get along so nicely and there is a lot of mutual respect between us. We kiss, we hug, we say we love each other. So go figure. Anyhow, 2 years ago, I brought up the subject again since the situation was deteriorating even more. He then gave excuses such as money, stress, and so on. Last year, it got even worse and he gave me the following excuse: he though I should not have bought a horse when he told me this was a bad idea...and he brought the money question again in the picture. I realized that maybe he was punishing me. I have 7 years of university and I bring my fair share of money to this marriage. I am a very good mom and I chose to work from home in order to take better care of my daughter. I am home when she comes back from school...I am there when she is sick. At one point I realized I was going head over heels trying to please him...maybe if I look better ? Maybe if I make more money ? About a month ago, I brought up the subject again. Without crying. I need to point out that every time we talked about this, I was always calm (crying sometimes but not always) and I never, ever said it was his fault or that something was wrong with him. I would always say things like 'we need to talk about this..because my needs are not met...and I do not want to hurt you but I cannot see how I will go on for another 30 years without having sex..can you tell me how you feel ? please be honest...I even told him to tell me if he is not attracted to me anymore...I told him I would be ok to hear this, as I need the truth. His latest reply was that things like money or other stuff sometimes stress him out...that he was still attracted to me. Now, I am up to the point where even if he wants sex, I will not have it. I have now become very cold and withdrawn with this matter. However, we function very well in the household...it is very surprising. Last year, an ex got in touch with me and he has been calling. He is very attracted to me. I have not seen him face to face because he is too far away. I would never cheat on my husband. However, I am thinking of getting a place of my own in order to live my own life. I have a 10 year old daughter and this is the only thing that restrains me from moving out. I have enough money to live on my own. I find the situation quite sad since we always thought we were soul mates and he is very nice to me (if you ignore the sex part). He is an incredible dad and he has always supported me in all of my projects, just like I have done for him. To sum it up, we are the perfect couple, minus the sex issue. I have suggested counseling but he has never agreed. Your thoughts would be really appreciated.
DeleteIt is so sad to hear this, as it sounded like a lot of GOOD years had gone by for both of you. The good years of your lives, just wasted. Youth is something not to be taken granted for. He sounds like he loves you - but not 100%. If someone loves you 100%, they would hurt when you hurt, just like the way you feel when your daughter would scraped her knees, or have a disappointment. It is selfish love when you see your love one hurt and not deal with it. I don't know about other people here, but if my SO is bothered about something, I want to help him solve it. If it's his job, I would help him look for another job for example. If I am sad, my SO would ask me why and try to cheer me up. You get the idea.
DeleteIt is not fair for you to constantly be the one to bring up the subject. If you want to know what some people think it could be the problem with him, I have a couple of guesses: 1) he could have ED and don't want to face it. People like this will still love you and be their wonderful self, but since they don't want to admit that they have a problem, they avoid talking about it. They avoid having to do anything about it, which is completely wrong even to the point of stupidity since if they are willing to help themselves, not only they could continue to enjoy the good things in life but also make their mate very happy.
Amanda, I have asked him SO many times if he is gay. He says no. I just don't know anymore. Asexual? I should say, (and this may be a bigger factor than I understand) that he suffers with ED. I know that most of the causes of ED are physiological, and I know that that must be a terribly difficult position for a guy...but its difficult for me too! So what....let's just keep going,. we can still be intimate, you can still have other kinds of sex. I think he has created so many barriers in his mind. Fears. Words cannot describe how I love this man. And I fear that in order to have any chance at happiness, I will have to leave him, and leave this life we have built. The weight of just those thoughts makes me feel like I can't breathe. We have a 5 year old daughter, we worship her, our family life is sooooo wonderful. This is all just unimaginable. We are in the "I can't do this for another day" stage. The normal routine...we go 5 or 6 months, I freak out, cry, sob...he makes promises about "being better" and I accept them just to have peace, just to end the agony of the fight. In reality, he does nothing to "be better", so on top of feeling old, ugly and undesirable, I also feel unvalued, because his lack of effort is so, so hurtful. This has brought me to my knees.
ReplyDeleteYour sharing of the experience and pain is so appreciated. It is so sad that people (in general) can't stay the same as when we first met them. So what we experience the first couple of years or few years diminishes overtime. While it probably would have worked out as you have said in the beginning with minimal but not total absentee, you could be happy forever. Yet, the extreme crept in and it is unbearable. Painful when your other half does not seemed to make the effort to even save your pain. There is a saying that if you love someone, you'll look forward to easing their load/ pain/ baggage everyday.
DeleteDon't feel old and undesirable, because you know you are not. If you get dressed up one day and go out with the girls for fun, I am sure someone will try to pick you up. Also maybe a little jealousy might help to put his priorities in perspective? It is a shame that people have to be provoked to understand what is important...but maybe just give it a try. Don't go overboard though...it might back fire. Good luck.
I know exactly how you feel Anonymous. I know I am a beautiful woman. People stop me and tell me but I am in the same situation as you and it makes me feel fat, ugly and like no one will want me. I don't think they know it but it truly is psychological abuse. I haven't gone 2 years but that is my biggest fear. When I ask, he acts like I am harassing him. He does have low testosterone but he won't take the medicine. I told him I was going to leave so he went and got some viagra but he won't use it. You just get tired of talking about it. It also makes you feel like an ass for wanting to leave for something that seems so trivial especially when everything else is great. What people don't understand is... that it is easier to be alone and not have sex than to be laying next to someone who you love so much and just want to be close to and not be able to. I am 42 years old and this is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. I love him so much and I know he loves me... but its' just not fair to me and I truly don't think he gets it. But I have a 13 year old and I can't let her grow up without a father there. I am so torn and depressed. I just don't know what to do.
Delete"It also makes you feel like an ass for wanting to leave for something that seems so trivial especially when everything else is great. What people don't understand is... that it is easier to be alone and not have sex than to be laying next to someone who you love so much and just want to be close to and not be able to."
DeleteI agree with these statements. My friend also felt that her husband made her feel like she is a "nag" for bringing up the subject every few months. In the meantime, she is frustrated and feeling unloved. Where kids are involved, leaving is very difficult, since it would essentially meant that you care more about your physical needs than the overall good of the family. So...my girlfriend stayed, but she is absolutely unhappy and miserable.
I always say, it is one thing that you are the person who made yourself unhappy, or you are unhappy because you cannot change the situation. In the circumstance you described, it is you that can change the situation - yet, the price to pay for the change is so huge that you might wonder if it is worth it. I would ask myself the question that if he doesn't care enough to change, then what does it say about how much he cares for you?
I've been married to my husband 15 years , when we met he was very sexual, then when we became ingaged he made every excuse to not have sex . my looks never changed. i would try to hold his hand in public he would jerk away and say " you don't have to be up my " GD" ass all the time i would be broken hearted but he never would talk about it. He would not even have sex with me on our honeymoon. He would get mad and tell me my body made him sick. I stayed with him because I love him and always made the excuse of his abusive childhood. I finally quit trying to presue anyyhing with him. I sleep in a different room. I have caught him watching porn. He told me thin don't do anything for him being toned and fit does. we tried 2 x in 9 mths he could not keep an erection. canceling , doctors never worked. recently he told me he met someone he wanted a divorce that he always knew he married for the wrong reasons , i was the only girl that smart, pretty, resposible, worked and lived byherself, and he needed me to keephim from heading down the wrong path. I didn' t react like most I said ok ,that same night he said he told her he made the bigest mistake in his life and i'm the only one that has ever stood behind him for all his stupid mistakes, and don't want to throw that away. then the next day we slept together he couldn't stay aroused and tells me that if this marriage ends is because i would never excercise and tone my body like hes always wanted. he said he is in love with everything on the inside but he needs that spark on the outside like he has with that girl he met. i agreed to start and excercise program to tone up he said he wants to give it one month then try going on a date with me to see what can happen. some please reply, I feel like I,ve swallowed an apple whole, i can't eat, sleep and don't want to lose my husband.
DeleteDear can't eat, sleep. Could you get him some viagra or something similar and ask him to try it? It is ridiculous that he behaves this way. He can't keep blaming that you're not fit and not keep an erection. I mean, men would have sex just because they are turned on, let a lone the body type. You don't want to lose him because you love him, but he sounds very hurtful. I couldn't handle it if someone refused me that way...how much more pain, and abuse do you think you can take? Doesn't it kill your self esteem?
DeleteWhat is love if you can't feel loved? Does he love you? When you are with someone who truly loves you, he will want to hold your hand, sleep in the same bed with you, give you pleasure. If he can't except who you are, is it worth being who you are not to keep loving him?
I've never been in a relationship like this before. Passion no longer exists in my life. It's driving me crazy and has affected every part of life. I was always cheerful and full of life. Now I don't have the energy or motivation to socialize. I don't even like going to the grocery store. It's crushing my spirit. I love him so much but don't know how much longer I am willing to live like this. Sometimes I just think he's selfish and doesn't care one bit about my needs.
DeleteA trusted friend once said to me..."He wants YOU....he just doesn't want sex....can you look at it that way?" Ummm....no. I wish I could. I guess that is how I have lived the past decade with him.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure if I could handle that either. What does that mean? I come with parts, and they are meant to be exercised. I believe if there is such a thing as guys-like-these would try to be honest with themselves first, that would save the women a lot of heartaches.
DeleteThe problem with good looking, smart, and got it together guys are that they over dreamed. They think they deserve the good looking, hot, fun, smart, outgoing, and got it together girls. Then to find out there is one thing that these guys don't have is the real drives. An "aggressive" girlfriend once told me: "most guys claim they like sex, the truth is they really don't!" What she meant is that liking sex is accepting everything about it, and guys generally don't. When I came to accept that I found it is very true. They are either selfish, or just don't want to have sex.
So if you want to stay with them, honestly, you have to find some way for yourself. The women whom I know ended up leaving after they realized the years they've given up to just try and be in peace. Can you give yourself up for the rest of your life?
Thanks for this article... As depressing as it is. I'm in a sexless relationship with a guy who is literally perfect in every other respect. I am in my late 20s and very attractive (not my words) and my partner is in his late 30s. I know he loves me, but work and lack of sleep really does a number on his sex drive. It's just not a priority for him anymore. It's hurtful because he's a good looking guy and I have this mental image of him being really excited by all the other girls he's been with, and having had tonnes of sex with them and that I just don't inspire that in him.
ReplyDeleteYou're in your late 20's, you should be having loads of sex! The guy is in his 30's he too should be having loads of sex!
DeleteWork and stress is a big killer to the dreams and romance. But sex is also a great source of relief for stress as well. If he is willing, you could set-up some one-nights away from home to surprise him. Make it special so that you can remind him of it every now and then. Because even when you both don't have time, perhaps he could reminisce about how wonderful it was to be with you intimately. If he is really into you, he will be pleased and thankful for the efforts you've made. Valentine's day is coming, use it as an excuse to get him all to yourself. :-)
This could very well be me unfortunately. My girlfriend is absolutely gorgeous by any standard - of Nordic and Italian descent. Long beautiful hair, huge brown eyes. She's in her late 20s and I'm in my late 30's, and we NEVER have sex. I should mention that we live together. At first we did all the time, but then it started to taper off and 4+ years later it is a rare occurrence. I would say 2-3 times in the last 2+ years. Crazy right?! I should add that neither of us want to get married (to anyone) nor do we want kids, but we consider ourselves in a long-term committed relationship. She takes birth control so in the beginning that was no worries, but about 2 years in she developed this serious paranoia about getting pregnant. She doesn't believe in abortion so the though of having a child terrified her. Honestly it did me as well, but she was on birth control so I didn't worry too much. I noticed her not really relaxing during sex, and when I asked what was wrong she asked if I would wear a condom because she couldn't stop worrying about getting pregnant. I agreed, and since then she wants me to wear one every time. You see where this is going :-/ I have no health issues; in fact I lift weights 4 times a week and I'm in great shape and have no problems getting attention from girls in their 20s when I go out. My girlfriend is really a great catch; smart, attractive, great career, sweet as can be, and faithful. We have both been faithful to one another through it all in fact. The problem is she just doesn't seem interested, so if she's not pressed them I'm not. I don't need or want pity p***y, if that makes any sense. I'm a very sexual person but I have a low libido when it comes to her, and she doesn't seem to want it. I'm not sure if it's a combination of daily life, or letting the small things get in the way, her crazy work schedule, the familiarity of each other or what, but we just can't seem to get the sparks going. We go on for months and months and nothing changes, just going through our routines blindly. She doesn't typically work out (she really never had to), although she just started to run recently which is good. She says that I'm in such good shape that she feels inferior next to me and embarrassed, which makes my heart sink. I'm not even doing anything but trying to take care of myself and look good for my age. (PART 2 BELOW)
Delete...CONTINUED FROM ABOVE...
DeleteThe other part of this is that I have an ex-girlfriend who I am extremely compatible with sexually who keeps trying to contact and see me. Were together about 5 1/2 years, and it's been almost 5 since we've been apart. The ex- says she has tried to have other relationships but all she does is search for that connection that we had to no avail. Her arguments are compelling and timely to say the least, but I have done nothing yet. I think about her night and day and although I know that lust is playing a big role because of my lack of desire in my current relationship, it's hard to shake it off. It also doesn't help matters that my ex- is in fantastic shape right now and really lives a healthy lifestyle, something that is very attractive to me. My ex- has admitted and apologized for her past mistakes and wants to make a life together somehow, someday - but her immediate future is very uncertain since she is a singer who must travel for gigs. I know that on paper my current girlfriend is the clear choice, but we have no passion at all. We are good roommates, travel and social buddies and everyone says we are the perfect couple. If only they knew we never have sex. As I stated, she is beautiful, but what good does that do me if we are never intimate. I love her, but I'm torn between leaving and losing her forever or being bound to this sexless relationship for the sake of companionship. I never stopped loving my ex- either and it's the passion that keeps pulling me towards her, but along with that passion has always been a fair amount of volatility because the emotions run so deep. Ugh. What to do.
I think I can officially join the club. Sex has become less and less and less and, now, is virtually nonexistent. I'm male and where we once went almost all night now I'm lucky to get five minutes once per month. I use my mouth to make her climax, which I like, then she usually climaxes again during intercourse, but then tells me to finish quick, like it's an errand. She says I'm "great in bed" but I feel like sex is being used to manipulate and control.
ReplyDeleteWhen I ask her what's wrong there is always a demand or an excuse. When demands are met, which they almost always are, they are rewarded with another demand. Thanks to meeting the demands, and nothing back on the other side, there's now a massive double standard in what is expected from each of us. She can and does fly off the handle and screams for any reason, including and usually something bugged her outside the house, or sometimes no reason at all except she's in a cranky mood. But if I express any disagreement or displeasure, not with her but with anybody or anything at all (something is bugging me at work, or even being annoyed at the dog) that becomes the no sex excuse for the next week or two.
Even if I manage to do everything she wants then the excuse is "well, you've gained weight since we met" (some, but not much, and so has she) or "I have so much to do I'm tired," (I can see this sometimes, but not all the time) or, finally, she'll tell me I'm "some kind of sick animal for wanting sex" (I don't think wanting sex more than once a month is sick). There's plenty of one-sided intimacy; every night I rub her back to sleep and, when we have time, try to wake her up the same way. We cuddle together but I don't remember the last time we kissed. It's more like a roommate, though with the responsibilities of a spouse, than a relationship.
I have plenty of self-esteem, though she does her best to knock it down. She'll get drunk and go on for hours telling me things like I've done nothing in my life, have no friends, and everybody hates me. None of that is true. I have a great job, provide for the family well, have a paid-off house we live in, and the only reason I don't have more active friends is that she can't stand inviting anybody over and does not like me to go out, so they finally stopped asking (she calls them all losers). I support her and her child entirely (the dad was a casual relationship; he checked out a long time ago). She tells me to go to a therapist, who she says will tell me what an awful person I am, but I am reluctant because I think they are more likely to tell me to split up and move on before she does more damage, but I love her and don't want to. She has even said, once or twice, it is amazing that I put up with the situation that I have but that apparently makes no difference.
Even writing this -- I've never written it down before -- I feel better but it looks like this relationship is doomed. Maybe it is already finished and I just haven't recognized that. She has said things like it is OK for a woman to hang out in relationships, plotting how to extract as much money as possible as a man works, because men should expect women to behave like that to "protect" themselves. Sex, and the feelings that come with it, are being used to manipulate and control rather than to express love or even fun.
If only we could choose our destiny and our perfect mates! What is your number? I am kidding. Sounds like you are the dream mate! Good provider, house paid for, wants sex, affectionate, understanding, tender = so why does she think that you've done nothing in your life? Sometimes I wonder, what is the definition with accomplishments? Is it being able to be happy and have a good life, or is it making it big one time, but a disaster at home, I guess ideally, we want to have both.
DeleteSome awful things going on here, *does she apologize after the hour long alcohol influenced lectures? *If she doesn't like any of your friends then can you find some friends that you both like? This sounds like how my x used to make me feel about my friends, now, I don't really care if my mate likes my friends or not, if I like hanging out with them, I would anyways, unless there is a legitimate, reasonable explanation to why the friend should be dismissed. But on the other hand, when you're with a good person that truly wants to see you happy, they will help you see why certain people are not good for you. *You know, it also sounds to me that she doesn't really like "you" as a person, or already has a certain opinion of you and it is hard to change her mind - even if you're Mr. Wonderful. The true feeling beneath is what really counts. For example: My x has this "certain opinion/ image of me, and for no apparent reason, he comes up with it for every disagreement we had, and probably influenced all his decisions, but I am so far from that image he perceived me to be. The bottom like is, no matter what I did and for x amount of years, he has never shed that image of me...he couldn't see who I really am. In that case, it is best that he is an X.
Wow - I searched the entirety of comments and didn't find the word "oral" once. Am I the only man who enjoys making my woman happy and doesn't need a penis to do it? I always figured ED was a problem for the man. Bizarre.
ReplyDeleteI think you are on the right track@"oral". There have been comments here that, the partners who does want more sex = would settle for oral or some sort of intimacy (because they love their spouse and want to stay in the marriage). Their sexless partners are not interested in "sex" of any kind period. I believe, if "oral" is the alternative, then more than half of the frustrated partners would be content in a sexless (no penetration) relationship.
DeleteMichael Douglas would advise "No on oral".
Deletemarried 40 years. sexless 20. it never gets better. the low desire person controls the relationship. My wife has always picked the right time, place, position ( there's only one) and duration. (why is it taking so long?) SO 10 years ago, after all the years of rejection, resentment, therapy, pills, tears and self pleasure, I decided to see a wife in my situation. I will never turn down my wife if she ever asks. (2x last year). But I will NEVER ask her again.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, we have the perfect marriage, and I'm a great lover. Finally.
Thank you for your comment@40/20. I am sure your solution will be of help to many frustrated sexless partners. I too believe that is the only solution if you still want to stay in the marriage. Just wondering what would your wife do if she finds out? Or does she know and just pretend that she doesn't? I think the solution is great for people who have partners that don't feel intimidated by their partners having sex elsewhere. But unfortunately for some, it would be considered to be cheating and the marriage will be over.
DeleteEven though it is selfish on their (low sex desired partners) part to expect someone to have sex twice a year, or something close to zero times.
I am actually happy for you that you've found a partner and still can carry on with your marriage. I don't think anyone -period- including the one we love, has the right to demand such huge alterations of ourselves for love. Unless of course one is ok with being in pain and tears, and therapy.
stockholm syndrome...
DeleteThis guys on the right track. This is probably the only real solution aside from divorce.
DeleteI hear you man! I am getting to this point that I don't care anymore. It is too much work, and after years of begging, initiating, I really don't give a damn anymore. I found a very sweet lady that totally digs me and I have been seeing her a few times a month. My wife doesn't even question where I go for hours- I suppose you get what you put in, and she doesn't give a damn either.
DeleteI am a woman who came to the same conclusion. After years of trying every solution, I decided to find sex with other partners so that I am not a grumpy bitch towards my husband. I don't even think he notices that I have a swing in my step and a smile ear to ear, but MY emotional and sexual health is greatly improved and I feel like a new person. The greatest part is I can be the best kind of wife and mother I have always wanted to be! I know there can be consequences: I figure the marriage was doomed if I continued in a sexless marriage anyway, so the fear of being discovered is greatly lessened. I know most people don't want to cheat, but trust me when I tell you it is severely under-rated as a solution for a high and low drive sexless marriage!
DeleteNow people this gets very complicated when the so called sexless relationship has one partner with HIV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Using condoms is very frustrating, Catching HIV with your eyaes open us suicide. My wife has HIV. I love her so much but do not like the condoms. I about to bust out of the relationship because of no good sex for 4 years now.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very sad case. I am so sorry to hear about your wife and her sickness. While we all agree and sympathize with the person with such illness, it can't be easy for you. I rather refer to your situation as being complicated,frustrating, and suicidal.
DeleteI would love to know about sexless relationships when the MAN is the one wanting sex....the woman does not.
ReplyDeleteThanks Chris, I appreciate your comment and feedback. I think whether a man or a woman, the situation is pretty much the same in tolerance. We will all experience pain and frustrations if caught in the dilemma. When we love someone, and want things to work out, but the person is just INADEQUATE in terms of sex drive, it is tormenting. It is like we never get to eat the food we like. We are deprived of our favorites. Yet, we know there are people who get their favorite food everyday, and it is just a part their everyday life. If you read the comment from @40/20 above, he went on with his sexless marriage but found a "wife" in a similar situation. It can't be easy to do that. I can't imagine that we can go and talk about it openly to anyone and expect that they understand or respond in kind. So I admire 40@20 for a couple of things = being able to do this while he is married to his wife, being able to find someone in the same situation that responded in kind, and keeping his sanity with the second life that he lives.
DeleteGiven the choices in phase 3, I have to say, it comes down to which of those choices become priority for us, since we know the other person won't change.
WOW.. I stumbled across this post by accident, and I have to say I want to cry from relief that someone somewhere understands EXACTLY what I am going through. The accuracy of this post is scary!!
ReplyDeleteJust to say thanks for writing this and for letting me know I am not alone in my sexless relationship. I have to say I have been stuck in Phase 2 for many years, but I feel I am slowly reaching the end, and I am starting to think, life is too short, and I need to make ME happy..... x
Thank you for leaving your feedback regarding the write-up of this article. A sexless relationship is a sensitive subject and one that many of us can't even share with our family members. I am so glad that I had covered the torments that you have encountered in the nightmare.
DeletePhase 2 is the hardest and most torturous phase mentally. I am hoping that you find it short and work it out with your mate. Hopefully he will realized that you are important, the relationship is important and having a great sexual relationship is important as well.
Good luck and best wishes. Amanda
I have a bit of a different spin on this sexless situation. I am the one that is no longer interested in sex with my boyfriend.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed sex with him more than i had with anyone in my life. If anything, he has been the only person i have willingly wanted to have sex with, rather than just doing it as a "chore" as I had in past relationships.
However, my issue is his porn addiction. I am very against porn. I know not everyone agrees with this, but to me it simply is not acceptable. He knew this since we started dating, and assured me it would stop.
It has been about 2 years and it is still happening. I have talked to him about it more times than i can keep track of. It is something that hurts me an incredible amount. At first he would get me to spend the night at his place, cuddle me until i feel asleep and then would get up and go to his computer to watch porn. I tried ignoring it but i just started getting very uncomfortable and also very hurt. I felt like he had more interested in porn than he did in having sex with me. Again, every time i talked to him he would just tell me it would stop, but it wouldn't. He just started taking his phone to the bathroom and doing it there, or watching it while at work so that i didn't know about it. Every time i found out about it he promised it would stop, and we would continue having great sex. Our sex has never been a problem, the problem is that i just constantly feel hurt by his addiction.
Multiple times he told me it was just to stimulate his mind and it was difficult to stop because he has been watching it all his life. I asked him if there was any way i could help him so he didn't feel the need for those things to get stimulated and he mentioned nude pictures, webcam, lingerie, all the things he liked and said was what he liked in the porn. He told me he wouldn't feel the need to continue watching it if he had those things from me.
In my attempts to try and get him to stop, i resorted to doing those things for him. I sent the pictures, i did the webcam, i would buy and wear lingerie for him. I finally started feeling better about it all because i thought that he had stopped watching porn like he said he would and our sex life continued to be great.
However, even after doing all those things for him and thinking he had finally stopped, i found out he is still watching porn. I am more hurt than i can describe, but also angry that he lied. I feel used and i feel like i am not enough for him if he still has to resort to porn even after me doing all the things he wanted from me.
It has gotten to the point were i don't want to have sex with him anymore. I don't want anything sexual with him. I no longer want him seeing me naked, i don't like seeing him naked, i don't like him touching me in any way, and anything that is mentioned about the topic makes me incredible uncomfortable.
Further more, it is making me really angry that i am feeling all these things, meanwhile he just continues to watch porn. I told him i felt it was very selfish of him to dismiss all my feelings about it continue doing things that make me feel so bad that i cant even have sex with him (even though i am attracted to him and want to have sex with him). It is very hard for me because i am feeling unwanted, and like my own boyfriend wants porn more than he wants me.
I would love to hear people's thought on this. As i mentioned earlier, i know now everyone agrees with the porn topic, but please be respectful of the fact that it is just not acceptable for me. Any suggestion on what i can do? Can our relationship work?
Hi there, your comment caught my eyes. For a long time I had a problem with my husband being addicted to porn. I would catch him in the middle of the night watching videos. I confronted him and he said it is just a show. He tells me that at least he is home with me, and that he is not somewhere with someone else. I couldn't handle it for sometime, but then one day I told him I wanted to watch it with him. Now, you have to know it was the most uncomfortable thing for me, but I wanted to push the limit to see what and where this event will take our relationship. For me, I had one foot out the door, but because I wanted to give him one chance. As it turned out, I was able to sit through the show, and we tried some of the moves together. We had the best sex afterwards. Long story short, he doesn't watch the videos anymore. We sometimes try to be playful and not so serious while making love, but we probably are more at ease from watching the videos together. There are tasteful ones and those are the ones I would watch with him. I think you can work it out with yours, but every relationship is different. I am open to try anything once, if it doesn't conflict with my morals.
DeleteI am actually neutral on this subject because I on rare occasions would watch porn just to see what is going on. I have a curious personality and I am open to knowledge. Many things I would say that isn't for me, but, I don't find watching porn disgusting, unless it is some cheap tormented psycho subject.
DeleteI have to agree with what you're saying about him being selfish and not mind how you feel. If you don't like it, he needs to be respectful. Perhaps be more discreet, or love you enough to get some help. Everything in moderation is ok. When it becomes an obsession, it might not be good. An obsession that yields benefits to us or to the greater good is different than an obsession that could hurt someone. In this case, it has hurt you.
Yes. I think your relationship can work. I know very close friends, that have husbands that watches porn. Yes, even to the point of obsession, but somehow, they are ok with it, as long as the husbands don't sit on the couch all day to watch porn. They are still together after 20/ 30 years.
It's a very difficult situation for you to be in and to handle. I can understand in some parts his liking to the subject but it does seem to have overtaken him although his feelings for you probably haven't changed. I can imagine that you may feel that you can no longer trust him. If I was in that situation I would sit down and think how your relationship is together overall, are there any other problems, is it something you can work on and overcome?
DeleteOnce I had a boyfriend that was into porn. He asked if I mind? At first I didn't think anything of it since I thought it was just a one time thing. But a year into the relationship, I realized that he was a regular, and soon discovered that is obsessed with porn. He watched porn every night, even after we had sex. It really bothered me, so I asked why he felt the need to watch porn, and he told me because it excites him. This hurt my feelings enormously, and I began to lose my self esteem. He made me feel like I wasn't exciting enough or sexy enough. He asked me to dressed-up when we would have sex, but at that point, I realized he wasn't what I had expected him to be. I am not into this type of relationship and don't want to spend my life with a person who needs this much entertainment when we make love. So I finally had the courage to leave the relationship / him. I am now much happier with a man who is more my type in bed. We are very happy together. Given the experience, I would suggest that anyone in the situation should be more self-aware. Don't change yourself because you are holding on to a relationship. If it makes you uncomfortable and you know you do not want to be part of your lover's porn addiction, then maybe it is time that you find another mate.
DeleteSimply put, if you were more exciting in bed (like these porn stars) then he wouldn't need porn. If you are boring, and want to be "romantic" instead of lustful in bed all the time, then you are boring in bed. Watch porn, learn something.
DeleteI supposed that I am one of those guys. I find having sex with the same partner, the same way for 20 something years, is boring. I love my gf like a family member and don't lust for her. I believe she is not good with the sex acts, even after all these years, it is hard for me to bring it up. I mentioned to her about watching the porn with me once in a while, but she refuses. There for when we do have sex maybe once a year, I just go through the motions to be done.
DeleteAs a female who likes excitement in her relationships, I understand how any human being might want to try new things. The difference is that there needs to be a clear line of communication. I found out from some friends that my boyfriend kept bringing up the porn topic while they were hanging out. I was excited to hear this because our sex life has gotten really boring, no sex for weeks and he only lasts about 2 minutes if that. I mentioned watching porn together and he freaked out and got pissed off and promptly changed the subject both times I brought it up. I mentioned how our friends told me he was talking about it outside with them and he made excuses and changed the subject again. I have no problem trying new things, spicing up the relationship, and taking care of my mate. I don't want to feel like I'm a weirdo at the age of 33 because I want a healthy sex life. We have been together for a little of 1 1/2 years, but he is older than me. He himself mentioned a lack of testerone and thought about getting some pills etc. Viagra didn't even work for him, no hard on etc. I feel frustrated because I feel as if I have given up everything to be with someone who just doesn't see it. He is a good provider and friend, but that's about it. We have no children, and I wondered if there could be another issue. He is so worried about me leaving him or cheating on him, it makes me sad. If he is so worried, why doesn't he try to spice things up? Or try foreplay etc? Guys complain about not getting sex, but honestly I hear it more from women than men.
DeleteWow, I have learned alot here. Sadly some of it is what deep down inside I already knew but did not want to admit to myself.
ReplyDeleteI am very comforted in now knowing I am not the only woman who feels these things or that Im not the only woman going threw this situation. I never would have thought of it as a form of abuse, but after reading this I understand better now. But I can honestly say that in my realationship at least I have gone the distance. We don't have sex EVER unless I start it and keep it going.
I am afraid that my realationship is just entering phase 3 and I am wondering if the writer is saying that at this phase things can never be saved or if he is saying that it can not and the relationship was doomed from the begining? Sigh... maybe I already know the answer to this but don't want to admit it to myself because I thought this time girfriend you did good ! This time you found the right guy and he is going to be your everything and you will grow old togeather and have the love you have dreamed of all your life! :( But maybe the dreaming part is the key to everything? There is no such thing as what all the songs say or movies are made of and it is just a dream for fools... Sigh... I don't know what to think or what to believe anymore.
Dear "phase 3 and I am wondering if the writer is saying that at this phase things can never be saved or if he is saying that it can not and the relationship was doomed from the begining?"
DeleteLove conquers all. I believe that even though we might have resentments for the years of sexless/ abuse. We can forgive and move on. We might not forget, but humans are fascinating creatures and we are a lot tougher than we even know ourselves. So doomed from the beginning? Probably, there is no one answer to the same subject, but what if your mate works hard with you to correct the problem? There is always the maybe if, depending on how the other person responds.
I think there are two questions that one has to answer first:
1) is it bad enough that I want to leave the relationship?
2) can I tolerate this another day, month, year, and stay?
After answering these questions to yourself honestly, then, you will be able to pursue the course of action. Some people have commented here that 1) they decided to stay because they love the person and accept less to no sex. 2) they decided to stay but found a sex buddy 3) they have decided to give up because the "less sex drive" partner is not worth it (define as in how much this person loves you!)
If he is the dream man, mate, then you should try to work it out...relentlessly, unless of course he is the one that says he doesn't want to participate in counseling, therapy, pills...etc. It takes two to tangle, a lot of efforts, two people have to have the same goals - at least in this subject. Best wishes to you, Amanda
It is a very lonely and isolating experience I have had - because how do you explain to people the guy you have loved for 6 years has not tried really to have full-on sex - as in, intercourse and doesn't even pretend anymore to desire the other 'things' we used to do, now and then. All the excuses such as low libido, lack of confidence, feels distrustful of me ( who has done nothing except maybe push a bit) etc. To me, all excuses mean very little anymore and I feel ashamed that I have been so willing to believe the apparent 'unbelievable' for so, so long. Mind you, we are not even married. To top it off, I fell head over heels for this seemingly very masculine guy. Still feel a lot for him. When I imagine that he is likely just not into women, it still cuts like a knife and seems surreal, given the way he seems. No one could guess this and of course he still denies it, though not as strongly as he once did. Could he be finally ready to accept that this life is just not for him? He will likely skirt around the truth forever, rather than deal with the consequences of accepting and living life for what he truly desires, which to this day I can only imagine since I have no evidence to support any of my theories. All I wanted was to love this guy, to feel his masculinity up close and personal, to revel in his strong loving arms. Never quite worked out that way. Hard pill to swallow.
ReplyDeleteIt is a lonely life! It is like living with a shadow...the desire for the other half is not reciprocated. There are many days when BF and I chatted, but she never said anything, although I could see the sadness in her eyes. There is a big difference with a person who is happy verse a person who has some baggage- or pain beneath. Their being is just heavy. I didn't know why sometimes she seemed so distant. She is a very caring person. She takes care of her children and get lost in their activities. She is a fun to be around with and I would never have guessed. Once in a while she would say she stayed up late the night before and was tired. Now I know that those nights were attributed to the "sexless situation" eating her up. She felt lonely, and didn't feel as if she had a husband. It was more like a roommate. I know what you're saying about just wanting to love this guy. Not many of us would go into a relationship thinking we are going to hang out for a few months, especially after we have children. We all want and hope that our love grow stronger with children and be happy together through thick and thin.
DeleteOver 4 years without sex. I'm sure if I don't leave him I'll never have sex again... we have a small child and don't divorce in our family unless it's dire (visible, obvious abuse or cheating). He says orgasm makes his diverticulitis (or whatever digestive trouble he's having) flare up, but I notice NOT having sex hasn't made his digestive ailments any better. A doctor told him he's damned lucky I'm still putting up with this sexless marriage and told him what it can do to a wife, but nothing's changed. I really don't see any signs he's cheating or gay (I've been observing), I think the problem is he's in his mid-50's and his testosterone is dropping. Combined with a physically active job, some depression (also a Dr.'s suggestion) and a small child, I think "it" has died. He's uninsured and goes to a clinic, so helping a poor man get hard is rather low on their list of priorities. I cannot hope for professional medical help, anyways because when he gets a diagnosis for something he ignores advice or won't finish prescriptions because it's too much bother or the side effects scare him or ????. He says he loves me but I have gotten to the point where I beg him "love me!" and he just smiles wanly, won't even move towards me. I initiate any hugging or kissing, any signs of affection. I'm tired of it. I am not any heavier than before the pregnancy (I'm a little plump, but not obese like him), I still look good, and I can still get a few flirtatious comments from the guys. I know it's not me, but if I do something to change my life for the better I'll be branded the Bitch.
ReplyDeleteFour years is a long time. If I go a few weeks without sex, I am already frustrated, let alone four years! I understand about the no-divorce - catholic are that way, and I am catholic. My family is against divorce. But right or wrong I interpret being in a dis-satisfactory marriage can only yield more sins. There is a lot more to lose when the parents are not happy together. Your kids will see it and sense it in a way that might damage the vision of marriage for them.
DeleteSome men just have very low sexual desires, some I have to say is just plain LAZY! They rather take care of it themselves and be done. Some just don't feel like going through all the motions of love making. Yes, believe it or not, it is true. This is only a small percent, most do enjoy sex with a partner and enjoy all the moves, while others are selfish and lazy and just want the end result - especially with a long time partner.
I have the same problem I've been with my wife for 3 years now and if I had to make a generous average I'd say that we have sex once every 90 days. She says that she wants children but at this point if she gets pregnant I'll be putting God on the birth certificate instead of my name. I Love sex with my wife, stress is fairly limited I have a house a good job I travel 3-7 times a year I am usually gone for only a weekend at a time. I put her first as much as possible I bought her the new car she wanted I make sure she gets what she needs/wants I leave her notes and flowers but when it comes down to sex it just never materializes. I find myself being the only one interested she rarely kisses me and only really says I love you when I do first which I make a point to do several times a day, or when she messes up. I know she loves me I just feel like sometimes she forgets that I am there. I wish I had answers I want the intimacy we once had but I seem to only get "give me a back rub" or "go get me coffee".
ReplyDeleteWhen I read the first few sentences, I thought your situation sounded like it just needed some quality time, TLC. Have you talked to your wife about how you feel? (You know, I would not ask a woman that question, but men usually don't like to ask questions or "talk" about things.) Most of the time, I have to ask my husband to ask me the question that I wanted him to ask me. Yep. It is very strange that while she has plans for children, that she is not more interested in intimacy. Most women are obsessed with sex, and planning sex when they are trying to get pregnant. Does she work? It sounded like there is another distraction, work, issues that she is stressing about. Three years in a marriage is supposed to be like you are still on your honey moon. How about you talk to your wife about how she is not being fair about the back rubs? I had purchased this coupon book once, and tore half for my husband and half I kept. The coupon book- I believe you can still buy it on Amazon - will have intimate, pleasurable acts for you to do with each other. It will help to break the awkwardness if you take her to dinner and present her with one of those coupons that you choose so that she can do with you. If you need the specific name of it, please feel free to email me, or just leave a comment here. You can turn this around, at least you should try.
DeleteI am in a sexless marriage of 26 years and have been thru all of the stages you described. The first few years we did have sex every few weeks and when we were in baby making mode we had sex at the right times of the month and it worked we had two wonderful kids. After the about five years sex changed to every few months then a few times a years until it just about stopped. I would never leave the marriage because of the kids. I guess in my mind I always thought that when the kids were out of the house I would leave and find sex elsewhere. I always imaged growing old with my wife until we stopped having sex. The one thing I forgot about is that as a man your sex life does not last forever. I am in my late fifties and have noticed that my sex drive is declining. We are in marriage/couples therapy and have started to try to resume our sex lives again. The problem is now with ED, I have tried all of the different pills and while they do work they also give me headaches the last time I tried the lowest dose they have had a massive headache. My doctor wants to do a full workup but does not think the medications will be the answer. There are other solutions but are they worth the pain just to have sex every few months if that. Now I am going thru the anger phase, when it was easy to have sex my wife always said no, know she says it’s my fault we can’t have sex so let’s just forget about it. This leaves me angry at her, and our relationship. Even if I can’t have sex again I want someone to hold on to that does not make me so angry. The therapist wants us to rebuild our relationship and do things together, while my wife wants to know why I am always so angry at her. I don’t see an easy solution I will always be angry for having lost all of the good times we could have had in building a foundation of love to grow old on now all I have is a foundation of anger..
ReplyDeleteI sympathize with you about all of those feelings. The need, the frustration,and the resentment. I feel sad for people who do not take full advantage of their youth. Youth is a fortune, and one that we can not buy. The human body only lasts so long. Even now, I tell myself that I want to be skinnier, I can't, because of the medication I have to take. When I was younger, I did not need to take any medication. I can eat whatever and wouldn't gain a pound. I though try to enjoy my life as much as possible. So what I am trying to tell you is that, I can't give you advice because I don't know your full situation. But if it was me that is having ED, I would probably talk to my husband about it thoroughly even if he doesn't want to hear it. What I would say to him is that, "I am going through this treatment so that I can have a great sex life. I expect that I am going to have sex xtimes a week, do you think you can handle that? If you can't, then would you mind if I find a sex buddy? I am not getting any younger, and I would like to enjoy the next 15/20 years having great sex and live a happy life." If you had good sex with your wife once before, there could be a reason why it has tapered off so much, could you find out why?
DeleteThis is sad proof that cheating and probably divorce is the only solution.
Delete12 years without touch. Finally made up my mind to change my life. Now I struggle with biblical directives on marriage and covenant. Love affair with "Budweiser" always took precedence over our relationship. Grown children, married for 40 yrs. Thought I was doing the right thing marrying the father of my first child. Should never have done it.
ReplyDeleteNothing in common. I feel I was taken advantage of when I got pregnant, spent 40 yrs paying the price for the mistake.Ran the complete gambit...thought he was gay, thought I may be gay, lost all self esteem, bitterness, rage, and emotional decline in general. Started conversation with an old friend from 40 yrs ago, and finally cracked a smile for the first time in 10 years. I want this marriage to end. File for a divorce, he declined. I feel as though I am in prison. Each day I resist the thought of someone else to share this life with. I resent that I owe anyone anything who has taken so much away from me since the first day we carried the certificate home. I do not believe in marriage. You are to become one. How do you do that with only one of the two participating? How does this happen when one is aware of scripture, and the other lacks any concern for scripture?
I thought this type of situation only happens in the movies or books I read. I am not sure if this is even possible to live with someone that long and not being able to be intimate. I am so sorry for what you had to endure, that is like prison. A horrible solitude confinement. I think you've raised a couple of great questions. I believe the scriptures also say that the two must merge and become one, so if one doesn't merge, then is he the sinner? If we don't want to be contaminated with this sin of unable to merge, can we free ourselves? It has been too long, and all those pain and torture you've endured is long enough repentant for any sin you might commit here after. What do you think?
DeleteI think porn is extremely destructive to men's libido. It is much like an addiction and like any addiction, more and more is required for the same results. So, how can you be content with making love with that human being you live with when you could be getting your rocks off to more and more weird, ever-changing images? Then man ends up telling his wife she is boring, fat, or inadequate in some other way. Believe me, I am not fat, not boring, am a passionate woman who is frisky and adventuresome. But sadly, my husband is so hung up on sex he cannot even be aroused anymore except by porn. He denies this, but I know it's true. I suspect he is gay and in denial, but how do you prove that. I am struggling with all the issues others have mentioned here, self-esteem, depression, so hungry for love. Of course my husband makes me feel like a crazy sex maniac for thinking anything about any of this. We had not had sex for two years and I asked him if he thought he might ever want to again! From across the room, hands clenched at sides, he barked, "you can just forget about that happening every again!" He now denies this happened. Believe me, I will never forget it in my whole life. I was so shocked and stunned. He went on to say how "needy" I was and what a "turn-off" that was. I thought most men would like to think a woman wanted them. Furthermore, I hardly think it is "needy" to think one might have sex every FEW YEARS in a marriage. I am at my wit's end, would have left for now, but for kids I am hanging in there at least for another couple years.
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, from the outide people think we "have it all." My husband can appear extremely solicitious, etc. But he's really an iceberg. And, I think, gay.
It's a horrible existence.
My wife is the same way when I purpose sex she reacts one of 3 ways: gets pissed, tells me something about how shes sick, belittles me for having a desire to make love.
Delete@passionate, frisky and adventuresome, I get it. I understand that someone can make you feel crazy. I once was in a relationship where my mate thought that everything about his life other than what he wants to tell me is his personal business...so if he decides he is going to see other women, that is his "personal business" and I am not to know about those things. So of course when I asked about certain things he didn't want me to know, he thought told me that I was crazy. Then it really drove me crazy that he thought I shouldn't know, so then I became angry and soon he was calling me maniac. It doesn't sound like you are crazy or a sex maniac. He is just imbalance, and he is better off with someone else that can adapt to his short comings. I wonder if he is resentful of you for something? It sounded like a pretty strong proclamation about not having sex. If you suspect that he is gay, there might a strong chance that he is. The reason why I say that is, people don't normally come up with gay unless we sense that there have been signs of such. It sounded like you know what to do and that you have a plan. I realized it is not easy now, but for the sake of the years that you've been with him, perhaps part of a courtesy departure plan would be to find out if he is really gay, and also to see if there is any resentment that he might have towards you? I don't see the relation with addiction to porn and being gay. Could you explain? Thanks, Amanda
Delete@desire to make love. Just from what you've written, I think anyone who belittles someone else for being themselves is wrong. Although I don't know how often you are proposing sex. If you have kids, chores and no time, and she felt like you are not helping but only wanted to please yourself, then I can see her getting pissed. So perhaps try to meet her half way and ask if there is any thing you can do to help facilitate the love making appointments better? Run and errand to relieve her of her responsibilities so that she can relax and enjoy her time with you?
DeleteI totally understand. I also thought when the kids were gone our sex life would rev up due to freedom and privacy. Instead this possibility of sex has blown the whole crisis up because it is obvious that my husband does not really want this. It is not just the sex but all the intimacy and trust has gone because he has lied to me so much and been very manipulative. So even when I feel sad I have no one to go to, no safe place for comfort. No I do not want to "cuddle" with someone who lies, rejects, and criticizes me constantly. Surprise! But he would. I feel he would be happy to use me just as his snuggly 'thing' at night. Meanwhile, what little libido he has, he takes care of himself. It's a very sick, empty sham of what a marriage should be. I do think he loves me but it's like being loved from a distant planet and totally does not work for me.
ReplyDeleteMy goodness. I think you are right. There are too many marriages here that should not have been marriages. It is unfortunate that we do not know people as well as we think. It is also unfortunate that people change over time too. The people we fell in love with will change with time. I have heard that there are men who take care of themselves...how sad it is for a woman to endure this kind of life? Being confide in a marriage like a prisoner with no intimacy. Sometimes we go through life seeing and hearing about the quality of other people's lives and it is scary. There are no thoughts, or questions whether life could be better. Life is precious, we all should not take it for granted. Being love from a distant planet is probably miserable, but if it is real love then at least you will feel pain and happiness. I guess from your experience, we can learn that once the sex goes, don't wait until the kids are out of the house, it is probably gone and not getting better - most likely?
DeleteAs a guy in a sexless relationship this is an interesting article. I love my wife very much but gave up even trying to get her to have sex with me as I was fed up of rejection. This was about 6 years ago. Now we have sex on her terms about once every 2 months. Occasionally god awful pity sex if I complain enough. I love her very much but have to resort to porn which seems to upset her if I masterbate. I am considering chemical castration as a solution.
ReplyDeleteHi, I am Claire. I am so glad to have found this article and at the same time, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I have been married for 13 years. Two years after my marriage, we were having sex once every month or two months. He was traveling a lot so I had our mutual male friends helped me with chores that were too tough for me to do - that was the extent of intimacy I had with any male for two years.
DeleteAfter four freshly years of being married, I realized that the last couple of years I was living in a sexless relationship. I was having crying sessions with him about the sexless situation. It is nothing like wasting your life away with the wrong person. There is tremendous depression, anxiety, and regret. I wasn't crying about not having his love, but more about empathy for myself. I cried because I realized I made the wrong choice. I cried because I had a very difficult-sick child that I had to make sure my child have a family. I wanted to do whatever I could to rectify whatever my child was missing.
Of course, he was very accommodating and said that he will do his best to change for us. It got better that we started trying to be more aware of having sex. Although the sex was good, I never felt like he really, really enjoyed sex... Of course as time goes on, the sex becoming sexless again. Then the talks came, and he would change a bit, then again fall back into his lazy-ass routine. I always had to be a motivator, the beg-er, the one that cares about having a good relationship. I am so tire of kicking the bull in the butt. It is so tiring. And now on our 13th year, it is whatever, I don't want sex with “him” anymore, because it isn't all that great. Because I have so much resentment that sex now is just to satisfy the body, it is not because I love this person that I want to have sex with him, or merge with him. It is a temporary feeling that I need to absorb so that I can go on. It is a waste of life - but, I think god has it all figure out, and I don't have to do anything...I believe in fate. When it is meant for me to depart the relationship, I will know.
Dear Claire. Thank you for your comment. I am sad that you are always crying, but if crying helps you relieve some sadness, then it is good. It's better than bottling those resentments and turn crazy. Crying relieve tension. I love the movie Elizabeth - the queen of England. I haven't research the truth but just speaking from the movie only...I love how she just dismissed all the men and married her kingdom. I wish I was strong enough to not need a man. Maybe one of these days I will be. But seriously, I would hate that someone can make me feel sad and broken. If I did it to myself, than it is different, but no one has the right to make me feel that way. Except god, my mom, and my kids.
DeleteIt sounded like you are with him because there is some goodness that you want your child to be exposed to. I would ask if you took your husband out of the picture, do you know what would you end up with? If it's the same or could be better, would you try and take that chance? If the worst is to happen, then you might want to take some advice from the comments here. To take care of it yourself and not let your husband be the only contributor to your sexual needs. I bet neither one of those choices is what you want, so the bottom line is it is up to you, but don't waste your precious youth! Warm regards, Amanda
So much on this discussion rings true for me too. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for over two years. When we have sex, it usually ranges from good to great. The problem for me is that it happens only once every month or two. We are both divorced, in our 40's, but with kids in their teens and 20's living at home. I have NEVER slept over at her house even when her kids are across town at their Dad's, and she has only stayed at mine a few times when my son in his 20's isn't around. She is always worried somebody will come home unexpectedly...
ReplyDeleteSo sex requires planning, coordination and expense for us to go to alternate locations - either by me tagging along on a business trip, or by us getting a hotel room. What's worse, we have had a few, rare out of town opportunities ruined by her inability to just focus on US for a little while. One time she took a call from her 14-year-old son in the MIDDLE of us having sex. That killed the night for me. And last week she took a text, asked me to set the alarm, and even asked what time it was WHILE we were fooling around and I lost my mood again. She always has a reason - worried about the meeting, concerned about a kid staying at a friend's, whatever. Last week I spent $800 on a 24-hour trip away with her just so we could spend time together, and the sex opportunity was ruined because I could not keep her attention.My head can understand her reasons, but my heart can't understand why I can't get her full attention for even a little while. By the way - I am VERY attentive to her needs and pleasure, including bringing toys, lingerie, etc.
I raised the issue with her after the problem last week and she said she finds me attractive and WANTS to be intimate with me, but she just has "a lot on her mind". But I am really worried. I love her very much and I would like to marry her someday because we are in sync in every OTHER way that matters. But after spending 20+ years in a bad relationship where sex was one of many problems, I am concerned about spending the rest of my life rarely being able to express my love physically. There's no doubt we are way more compatible than I was with my ex...but an adequate sex life for me would be at least a couple of times a week, and I think we've only ONCE had sex more than one time in a MONTH. What can I do???
I love my partner of 4 years more than I can easily express. He's currently working overseas. He's been gone about 4 weeks, and will be home in another 6. I have had time to assess how his very limited interest in sex really effects me and what I'm going to do about it. Although I miss him every day, its almost easier when he's not here. I know that when he comes home I am going to have to force the issue somehow. I am dreading it. We last has sex on Christmas Eve.
ReplyDeleteWe are both in our thirties and we have no children. When we were first together, things seemed almost normal, we had sex maybe once a week, and while that seemed a bit infrequent from my past experience, it seemed to be all he wanted and I felt I could manage that. But since things really have slowed down, and now we have sex maybe once every 90 days, and then only if I beg for it, which makes me feel so degraded. I've tried asking what I can do, why he thinks this is happening to us, but it really gets me no where. I feel like I have had to pack my sexuality up in a little box inside me because it does me no good.
I believe he loves me. I believe he is faithful. He shows little interest in pornography. He is very fit and active. I don't think he's gay. I am left thinking that it must be my fault, something must be wrong with me.
Once I told him that I had sort of accepted that he just doesn't fancy me anymore, but he told me I was wrong. He couldn't tell me what the problem was though. In every other way our relationship is amazing and I am so grateful of the loving kindnesses he shows me each day. But I need more than kindness. I need physical expression of his feelings towards me. I feel so lonely.
:'( ... so i'm not alone after all... I'm getting tired of bringing the topic to my husband... by now I already feel that he will have sex with me so that I stop talking about it... :'( ... So I prefer to refuse it entirely ... and hope to meet other men soon ... and divorce him. We don't have any children thank God, so we don't even have to try anymore. :'( heartbreaking though... I'm so very sad ...
ReplyDeleteI may be in denial, but I do not believe everything in this article. Perhaps I believe too much in hope and do not give up easily - attacking problems from every angle. But then I am also in the situation described - my husband and I have not had sex at all since July 2010. We have two children and we went to sex therapy to be able to have the third child so things were on a downward slope before that and yet he would then do something so that we could have the child. My husband does show love towards me and doesn't just say it. I miss physical intimacy. I wish he would be honest about why this has happened - to himself and to me - and then seek help. It is easier in many ways when he is away as someone mentioned above.
ReplyDeleteLike many of you I thought it would get better. Sex wasn't great at the beginning (technique wise) but the enormous amount of love and attraction I had for him made it beautiful. As time went on it became less and less. Within first 6months we were down to a possible once every 3 months and the amount of time just dewindled until there was none. Any attempt to try and make better were greeted with slurs of if you were nicer- maybe if you worked the way I do-life is not an *ffin movie I cant hold your hand all day and well you get the idea. I would never have initially considered a sexless marriage abusive but have since realized the emotional damage it took on my soul I feel like I am ill all the time. Tired ,tummy upset all kinds of chronic illness which I believe are just being manifested in me so I do not have to feel the heart break that comes when he is just not into me. He too has chronic fatigue, and illness but like myself seem to be cured when away from each other. It has now been 15 years so it has just become the norm. Even though the lingerie is gone the lingering in my heart has not. I d not see a great outcome for us. I feel that I could never trust him with my heart and love again.
ReplyDeleteThirteen years ago he said, "I do",but he never did and he never does. What does that mean? I met my husband when I was in my mid-thirties and a little sex kitten with a gorgeous shape and beautiful face. I had a good paying job and we had a lot in common raising our boys as neighbors. We had sex frequently until two years into the marriage. Then we stopped for religious reasons. I started to pack on the pounds and he started to spend his free time with his brothers instead of me. Five years later we married. We had sex once on our honeymoon and then nothing for five years. The night before I went to see a lawyer, he initiated sex again, but it was quick and unsatisfying. I now was obese. Seven years later and no sex since that night despite pleading, long talks, humor, playfulness, etc. He brags about his two hundred odd sexual conquests of women while a hippie in the sixties, but now he has no desire for anyone, so he tells me. I have pushed him into trying medical remedies and tried every trick in the book, but have to admit that if he wanted me now, I wouldn't want him. Just too many YEARS of nothing, and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING sexual between us. Have met other men who excite me sexually and once propositioned one only to be rejected. I'm still a pretty lady but not the young vixen I once was. I've wasted my life with a man who gives me no financial help, no time together except watching television at night, and who has not one iota of romantic interest in me, his wife for thirteen years and his girl for 18 years. One can't help but think he only married me for my money as my profession is highly paid. He made 9k$ gross annual last year, so you do the math. Is this marriage over...or did it ever happen? This is an emptiness that swirls around you like a whirlpool, sucking you down into its oxygen-deprived depths and dark, cold, hell. When I said, "I do", I meant it. Are some vows meant to be broken? What would a religious person think of this type of marriage? Is it void of the authentic essentials,does it have no core? The only thing that keeps us together is we feel so comfortable in each other's company; we are roomies and best buddies. I don't know but I think marriage should be passionate lovemaking too. Am I alone in this at 54? Don't want to live the next 25 years this lonely.
ReplyDeleteYou have a sense of humor: "Thirteen years ago he said, "I do", but he never did and he never does."
DeleteSometimes that is why I never said I do either, but I do all the time, and in everything! Ah...You're on the second phase, which is the phase that gets nothing but frustrations and torture. I don't think you are alone, obviously there are so many people with the same problems with their mates. One partner is always on overdrive while the other one is stalling! It is so hard to find a happy medium in all aspects of life, but sex is one of the top priorities. So at 54 you should be enjoying your life and your mate. Travel, visit grand kids, and send them back of course...
Religious people will not understand your suffering and excuse it to a divorce...but vice verse, they would consider a woman not able to bear child enough grounds for divorce...so I would say, sometimes it is between YOU and GOD. If god can forgive you, then, that is what matters.
If you are thinking about leaving to save yourself, then consider that you are only parting ways, and still remain friends. People change, we grow apart. Life goes on. Also, when you leave a marriage such as this - 50 % fulfill, you are actually doing both people a favor. Just don't commit any adultery before you leave.
it is my first time to visit here I think and I am loving everything I am reading! ...lots of great information and the layout is so cool...I wouldn't want to be in a sexless relationship too! ...reading on the comments here and learning from other's experiences...thanks for writing on something beneficial for every woman :) have a blessed day...:)
ReplyDeleteThanks Kulasa. It looks as if we might have an equal amount of sex (female and male) that are suffering from sexless relationships. It is so hard to try and solve a problem that we are not responsible for. We cannot change anyone unless they want to change.
Deletewow!!! i cried like a baby reading it, it is exacly my life, but i did talk to my husband about it, i did buy the sexy outfits and exercised 6 times a week so i would be fit and desirable, other man walk with open mouth when they look at me and all i wish for is for my husband to look at me that way. i finaly told him that i could no longer live like this, and i was serious, he got it at lease for now, hopefully it will last cause i cant go back to a sexless mariage. and for the comments saying be more sexy and all the bla bla bla B.S. Do you realy think a women whos bean in a sexless mariage has not tried every trick in the book to get her man's attention. Trust me i'm not the problem and i even ask him to tell me wath he desires and i will provide, well that was not productive. so far the i will leave you is the only thing that worked.
ReplyDeleteYou are right. It is a desperate situation, and there is nothing that my GF hasn't tried either. Exactly like that, she attempts with the date nights, the approval for him to get help - drug use, the talks...nothing worked. If it is ED, the least the guy can do is accept it and take care of it! It is so sad that these guys are too proud to admit it!
DeleteIn your case, if threatening is the only thing that worked for you, then awesome. Motivation is what they need to get going sometimes, the psychological part is very important. Someone wise once told me if you can get him thinking prior, then the desires will be there.
Hello everyone... This is quite interesting. I am in a long-distance relationship and have experienced a lot of the same things. I'm a guy (31) and she is (28) and gave my all to keep things working. Here's a little bit of history.
ReplyDeleteNov 2008 - Oct: Crazy mind-blowing, sex furniture manipulating, role-playing, sex toy having, adventurous sex!!!
Oct 2009 - Pregnancy scare. (Condom broke, however we both knew pregnancy was not going to happen, but the thought of it and her dad finding out his 20 something baby girl was having sex was close to death in her mind)
From that point on it was sexless due to her fear of her dad finding out she was having sex. From this period to roughly Dec 2010 I was being the "jerk" for wanting or asking sex. She thought if she allowed me to perform oral that I was sexually "satisfied" which actually was a self-induced abuse that left me feeling rejected afterwards. I was so desperate for her affection that I thought it would be enough to get things rolling again, however, it didn't. Because of this of course with plenty of time on my hand my mind would wonder. If we did have what I call "pity sex" she would attempt to make me feel bad about it.
December 2010 - Through self-protection I began to emotionally withdraw from the relationship. I mean, everything about the relationship was ABSOLUTELY perfect except....the sex of course. Once I stopped asking for the sex and sort of "accepted" my situation she quickly started to "feel" my rejection and wanted things to change instantly. Instead of me being happy I was enraged because I went without for nearly a year and the moment she felt rejected she wanted things to change. However, I relented and tried again to work on us but eventually things were sexless again.
June 2011 - Through years of her pressuring me to marry her... I proposed.
It's weird because over the years I hate to say this but I have formulated a deep hatred towards her, but it's actually because I am ashamed and mad at myself for letting things go this far on the deep end. I hate loving her because I feel like loving her is only hurting me. Mind you, of course we did have sex that night, but it took her three days to say yes. She said it was because of her excitement. Its bad enough that we're long distance, but when she would withhold when we saw each other it made it worse. I really considered seeing someone else, but I didn't. Because of this I hated her more.
January 2013 - In a last effort I suggested we see a sex counselor. She fought hard not to go as she felt the problem was with me and not her. We did six sessions and I can honestly say things are dramatically better, but I feel I cannot trust or love her the same ever again. As it is getting closer to the wedding date I only feel emotionally numb towards her and most things in life. I'm terribly unhappy and have gone great lengths to make her happy (I'm not just talking about sex). I must have been a really bad person in my past life....
What's strange I will have periods of being secure then these extremely negative, bad self-image, old hatred feelings will resurface and be posted on a blog such as this one.
I have been in a 3 year relationship and we have had sex once. Its because he has problems in that area and wont talk to the doctor about it. He claims he cant take any meds because he has had heart surgery. I talked to him about talking to the doctor and he did say he would, but that was over 5 months ago.
ReplyDeleteI am now beginning to hold a lot of resentment and anger. Than other times I there must be something wrong with me. He thinks our relationship is fine just the way it is. I am not prepared to go through rest of my life in this kind of relationship.
I am 42 and have been in a sexless relationship for 2 years now. We have 3 kids and I am slowly losing my mind. I work out and everyone always thinks I am in my early 30's I eat healthy and was a former ballet dancer. I am still the same size as when he met me. We had an amazing sex life when we first met then slowly he stopped wanting to claiming he was tired or had a long day or just wanted to watch tv. That turned into oh don't want to wake the kids and then having our daughter sleep in the bed not by my choice. He tells me I"m beautiful and I'm sexy but then nothing. I have cried to him I have begged him to go see a counselor with me but he just says it's me that I complain too much that I changed if I would just be how I used to be when we first met but then he contradicts himself in saying how happy I make him and how he loves how we get along so well and how lucky he is. After the first year he kept saying it was from lack of sleep from this and that but now our kids are sleeping through the night there is no excuse. He doesn't want to have date night he just comes to bed watches tv then snores the night away. Day in day out same thing maybe a pat on the back and a kiss like he would kiss his grandma but nothing! I have become more and more depressed and agitated and stopped fixing myself up. I wish I could leave but we have 3 kids and he is a great Dad but then I think I can't go through another year like this am I supposed to wait til my kids are 18 to leave? I will be in a straight jacket by then I"m sure.
ReplyDeleteWow now that I read this article I find that it is happening to me as if I was the Girl BG, my wife always say well treat the girl and than you will get it. But I feel like she uses it to control situations. So I decided to go clod turkey for as long as I can, since I am meant to live a sexless marriage might as well find other fun things to do that are not sex.
ReplyDeleteAnd what is worse is that I just got married, I gave her, the wedding of her dreams at the beach,and this ring that she wanted and all this BS. ohh Boy I get mad when I think about it. She started rejecting me sexually because she wanted to start a business, for which we did not have the appropriate finances and she told me that I was negative, for not wanting to start and well I help her and now, I am the only one working in this and she does nothing for her business. I am bout to blow up!!, I became so cold and I hardly hug her I do not know what to do I feel trapped begging God to help me love her.
Then I can have an erection with looking at her I do not find her attractive anymore, and not look forth to spend time with her. I think I need a vacation at this point, also moved to another city where she got a job but there is no market for my career so I am slowly making money with the new company she wanted to started and I feel like all my dreams are gone and vanished, not feel motivated or alive anymore
Any comments?
Sounds like you love your wife very much even though you said you don't. Your actions speaks louder than words, Dave. If all is absolutely the way they appear in your comment, it is nice that you did so much for your wife- but it sounds you are regretting your decisions.
DeleteI think you need to really ask yourself if you still want to be with your wife? Don't be in a relationship where you resent the person so much like that, you both are missing out. You hurt her, she hurts you, it just isn't the way a good loving relationships is supposed to be.
You are kind to her, since even before you moved, you ended up working the business she started instead of her...Most men would not do this, you know that right? If it is their wife's business, and they already resented their mate, they will not roll in to help out, or to work for it- unless they are unemployed. They would have to really love their wife, or they love to work.
You need to tell her all this stuff, you need to let her know how you feel. If she is not on board, you need to take charge of your own life, even if it meant not with her. Sometimes we all need a break from each other to realize what we have or realize what we are missing. It doesn't mean that you will never be together again, it just means that maybe at this point in your life you still need time to figure things out. Unless there are kids involved, I think more couples should take breaks, it is healthy. You will find out so much about the other person on the break that will either make you want to come back, or never. All the best, I hope you will seek to be happy and healthy in a good relationship.
it's not just women who end up sexless...I am a man age 45 and have been living with the sexiest woman I know for 1.5 years...due to her 10 year nightmare marriage, sex to her is an abuse thing, not something she really enjoys,plus there is the menopause nightmare and mental problems added to it all...my heart is broken and I have finally decided to let her go...I cry myself to sleep every night over this...all I can say to everyone is save yourself before you end up in a mental hospital...I have been very close myself....Darien
ReplyDeleteDarien, such a sad situation! You cannot say it any better. The mental abuse is something that could drive a person insane! Drive a person to the mental hospital. Any healthy, normal person has a sexual appetite- it would be my way to judge a normal person. Sexless is just a horrible way to be in a relationship, unless both people are.
DeleteI am so glad to know that you freed yourself from the mental abuse. It is painful. Of all the choices we have out there, to be with the one you love is incredible, but to love and not being fulfill is miserable. Plenty of fish in the sea, please know that there is light at the other end of the tunnel. Good luck.
I have similar situation and it's eating me alive. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years not, we haven't had sex for a year now. It's draining me emotionally. I love him dearly, he's so perfect apart from the sex part. He told me 10 times a day that he loves me. He always ask me to wait, that it will happen someday, But nothing happens so far. I love him, I don't want to leave him..
ReplyDeleteWhat are his reasons for not having sex ?
DeleteI have been with my husband for almost 38 years, married for 35 of them. Our sex life was fabulous before he started experiencing ED 10 years ago. He will not seek out help for his problem. Sex is on his terms, that is to say if he happens to become a little erect we attempt sex but not usually successfully or much too quickly. He will sometimes perform orally and while this may provide relief for me, it is not as satisfying to me as intercourse. To make matters worse, I have caught my husband with pictures of naked women downloaded on his computer. Now, if he's deriving some sort of pleasure from looking at strangers, where does that leave me? You are so correct in calling this an abusive relationship...I'm tired of begging, pleading and cajoling. It is more than obvious to me that my needs are not a priority to my husband....but it's very difficult after all these years to start over again or "strike out on my own"...despite the fact that I truly realize that what you say is true...why stay with someone who is making you miserable, knows they are making you miserable and does nothing about it,
ReplyDeleteUseful information shared. I am very happy to read this article. Thanks for giving us nice info. Fantastic walk-through. I appreciate this post. I am an Expert in Werbung Wien.
ReplyDeleteI have been with my partner for 11 years. He is kind generous and loving. He is also not interested in sex. I am 38 years old, attractive and very very willing. His lack of desire for me has eroded my confidence and left me feeling unbearably sad. When we met I was 27 so sexually confident and felt totally in control of myself, my needs and my desires. Fast forward a decade and I'm carrying this shameful secret that I don't know how to share. My relationship is great in all other aspects. He is a brilliant commited father to our three kids, he has a high paying job, he is a good looking lovely guy. He says he loves me and I believe him. Yet night after night I lay down beside him with my heart breaking longing for him to want me. Desperately needing to feel beautiful to him. For him to instigate some physical contact between us. Reading through everyone's comments has made me realize that living this way is so unhealthy. Yet how do I justify leaving and disrupting my children's lives because mummy needs sex? I don't think I can... so the cycle continues. I cry I beg I plead he promises to try and fix things. He assures me we can get through this. We have sex once or twice over the next few weeks. It feels like he's throwing the proverbial dog a bone. I hope and pray this time it will be different and then a week , two , six weeks go by and my esteem plummets further . I feel insecure sad and like my life is slipping me by. Thanks for listening... This is not something I ever discuss with friends. Who would believe a young good looking couple who appear to have it all are slowing tearing each other apart over something as natural as making love?
ReplyDeleteWhy do you stay ? Sometimes we are drawn to people.to back up the beliefs we have about ourselves. E.g. if someone defects us it backs up our feelings that we have been defected or invisible before in our lives.
DeleteI was moved to reply to your message because your story, of all the stories told here, sounded so very similar to our situation. We are a good looking, fully functioning couple who have been together for years (almost 25 years total). We have a beautiful family and a good life in nearly every other way. However, we have this horrible secret, we do not have a real love life and we really never have. I, like you, have talked, cried, pleaded, and threatened to leave, but nothing seems to motivate him to resolve this issue. I have reflected on this a lot, obviously, and I have to wonder why I allow it. This was an issue while we were dating in our early twenties and before we got married so I can't say I didn't know. I nearly broke off our engagement over this issue. He sent me flowers at work and asked me to give him one more year. He promised he'd fix things. He said he was sorry. He acknowledged all my feelings and agreed that I had every right to feel the way I did. Because of all this and because I believed he loved me, and because we'd have the occasional encounter, I stayed. I worried about this before we had children because I predicted that at some point I wouldn't be able to tolerate it anymore and might leave him and didn't want to break up a family, but again, I chose to have children with him. Now, as predicted, after 20+ years of neglect, I want to leave him. That said, all of this has eroded the way I feel about him. I have fallen out of love, it's that simple. It's like a plant that's been neglected too long, at some point you can't save it and it's dead. So now I'm in an awful situation where I just want out. I just want to be alone. I want a little house and a simple life and perhaps I can recover from this. I really think this is some sort of self-destruction - for him and me. I will NOT do this, but suicide has momentarily crossed my mind to say, "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!" Again, I wouldn't really do this, but my point stands. It is crushing to have to ask or beg for attention and be denied repeatedly. Eventually, you give up, you grow resentful and angry and bitter - not who I want to be. Worse, this just gives him something to point to as a reason. Some how I'm suppose to remain loving and sweet toward him until the spirit moves him to be romantic toward me. Seriously? All of this makes a strong argument for leaving. I'm still relatively young and attractive, I think, but his neglect has shaken my confidence. Adding to this, I gave up my career to follow his so I don't have a professional life to return to so I'm lacking in that aspect of being attractive. In other words, a smart, confident man is going to want a smart, confident woman and I don't feel so smart or
Deleteconfident anymore. The gut wrenching part is breaking up our family. I've told him that it wasn't I, but he who is breaking our family up and he concedes that it is. He acknowledges all of this. He agrees that it is mostly his fault, but still hasn't been motivated to change and now I don't think that if that miracle occurred it would make any difference. This cycle we've been on has ranged from me behaving desperately for his attention, me trying to help him sort out his issues, me ignoring my needs as a woman in her twenties, thirties, during the emotionally vulnerable period of pregnancies during which I wasn't touched, admired or loved...deeply loved. Now I'm in my forties and I am looking ahead to another forty years and I want to heal and perhaps, perhaps fall in love again. But I am damaged right now and certainly irrecoverably altered.
@ Anonymous May 10, 2013 at 7:28 PM. You've described the situation elegantly, yet very clear. The torment is unbearable, because while in this very unsatisfying relationship, other things are going well around you, the kids, the house, the responsibilities. I am sure you want to feel like those things are enough. But it isn't. Having to ask for sex is just ridiculous, it is a two way street. So naturally you have become less confident, your self esteem is shot. Crying, pleading, and talking, to get pacified for a short time, doesn't work anymore. What about every time you have to ask? That gets old too. We know the person is capable, so why hasn't come natural and more often?
DeleteI, too, am in a sexless relationship and am nearing that corner into phase three. In the beginning of the relationship the sex left much to be desired, but at least it was once a week - I just figured we could work on it. Three years later we got engaged and bought a house and that was the end of our sex life. Three months after we moved in and hadn't had sex I started to get worried and brought it up. First, the excuse was he was stressed about buying the house, then it was that he was working too much....the excuses continue to this day and now include all the "pressure" from my expectation. We have been intimate maybe ten times in the five years we've lived together, and I can relate to so many of you posting. Not only that, he NEVER gives me any physical affection other than a kiss on the cheek. For a woman who had never lacked confidence in the bedroom, my self esteem has taken a huge hit - wondering what I did or did not do. I've tried planning things for us to do together - he's too tired. I've taken him away to romantic destinations - he's either eaten too much or just wants to watch t.v. I've tried tantric exercises - it's too weird for him. We've seen two therapists, but due to one excuse or another it just didn't feel right. I think I'm just about all tried -and cried- out.
ReplyDeleteWhat I've learned is that people can and will say anything they think you want to hear when they know you've got one foot out the door. I lived in denial for too long hoping he'll change, hoping he'll see a doctor about his ED, hoping that we can reignite that "spark". Just like many of these men discussed here, he's not going to change but I'm finally starting to realize that I CAN. I can stop beating myself up for something, that in all likelihood, has little to do with any of my imperfections. I can pick myself, and my self esteem up off the floor and get back to being the sexy, fun-loving vivacious woman I was before all this. I'll leave this house with the shirt on my back if I need to - I can always reacquire things, but I can't get these years back. Life is far too short. Ladies, get out while you can!
Thank you for helping me make a decision that has taken me years to act upon. Good luck to you all!
Thank you for your comment. I think all of what you say is exactly how it goes down. Too many excuses, not enough action. When you have those talks with the guy, they want to sooth things out and make it work, but because more sex isn't their priority, they will soon go back to doing nothing.
DeleteI love your self motivated quotes:
1) he's not going to change but I'm finally starting to realize that I CAN
2)I'll leave this house with the shirt on my back if I need to - I can always reacquire things, but I can't get these years back. Life is far too short.
I look foward to a miserable sexless life. I'm selfish for wanting it more then once or twice a year. Even expressed my heartache before being promised affection from getting a vasectomy that I knew was a waste of money. I miss my wife. I vowed to forsake all others and now I'm the one being forsaken. I feel like a selfish male wanting to passionately love my wife. Guess my hobbies will satisfy my desires.
ReplyDeleteI help clean and cooking. I know some of her medications can dampen desire but 1 or 2 times a year?!?! Come on! Guess my penis is obly meant to pee out of
Oh wow. If I had gone through some sort of alteration for someone, I think I would feel exactly how you do. I hope you can express the need for more sex and I hope she will understand. On the other hand, I believe anyone who came to read this article probably has tried everything.
DeleteI strongly believe that in order to save others from the pain we have to know ourselves and be honest. Twice a year is sexless.
Sex does not = intimacy. There is intimate sex and non intimate sex. A sexless relationship is not abuse. Most people want sex to feel good (endorphins, oxytocin and other substances), relieve a headache or menstrual pain (endorphins, oxytocin and other substances), to boost self esteem or confidence... the list goes on.... we are slaves to biology. Choosing to not have sex is a choice and if it does not match another persons needs then they may need to separate.
ReplyDeleteAsk yourself why do you keep needing to do the same thing over and over and over again. There are many other ways to show love and affection.
I guess like everything there is a reward. If you're hungry, you want food. If you go out, you want it to be fun. If you're in love, you want to be loved back. If you have a body, you want to use it. If you have parts that makes you feel incredible, you want to explore it.
DeleteI am for sex in relationships. So while I agree with your philosophy about love isn't all just sex. Unfortunately, for people who like sex, it would be nice to have a mate that feels the same way. I believe that this is the bottom line for most of the comments here. They are trapped in relationships that was once great, now not so great.
Doing the same things over and over again, hummmm, well as humans, we do many things over and over again, everyday...It's survival, it's natural.
There are indeed other things to boost the self esteem, but if the root cause to the failure is something they can't control, it is harder to deal with.
How strange. I am a forty something year old man. Today I decided that my marriage is beyond repair. My wife had a very wild past and now that she's married sex is unimportant. My self-esteem has been shredded by all this. A sexless marriage is abusive and not to be taken lightly. Without emotional and physical connections a marriage becomes two roommates sharing common bills. I remember being happier alone than I am now. I now know that would muddy rather end this and have a chance at future happiness. It is a better thing than knowing my life would be one of pain. It is better to be alone than in a marriage being lonely
ReplyDelete"My self-esteem has been shredded by all this." You know- this is the unfair part. The part that sexless partners have to put up with something they don't want, didn't expect. This part is the cruel part. It devours a person, because of the "why" question.
DeleteIt sucks when you are the person that keeps having to be the initiator. Once in a while, it is nice to be approached, wouldn't it? It sucks to be the one to feel like you are sitting there waiting for the other person to feed you a bone, when all honesty, you can get thousands of bones somewhere else! Take care of yourself, be strong and be bold, live your life the way you want to. We all only have so much time to give away!
To add to my reply. I do all the laundry, most of the cooking. I give my wife massages at least twice a week. The only time her eyes light up are when the words casino or bingo are used. Sad... hopelessly sad
ReplyDeleteOMG! She is a gambler too? That is just too much.
DeleteSorry but i had to post to say its not her weight It really isnt. My husband hasnt touched me for 17 years. In 2002 2003 i lost TEN STONE and it didnt change in his attitude towards sex or me. I had a 4 and a half year affair which ended in early 2008.
ReplyDeleteMy h is much older than me. When we met he was 42 and i was 19. I was only 23 when he stopped sleeping with me Just 23. Seven years ago he had a heart attack and now he cant have sex but i dont even get my hand held. I crave affection and i did post on experience project last December but closed my account when i was asked for nude pictures. All i want is to be touched and held again.
I think you are right! It is not the weight. You are so young to be trapped in this kind of relationship?
DeleteDITTO AMEN
DeleteIm 40 next month. It consumes my every waking thought. All i think about is being caressed and being made love to. And i would like to be held. I wrote about my situation for another website (im in the UK) I will put a link here. Its not just the sex. I really miss having an emotional connection with someone.
ReplyDeleteWhy do you stay and what's the reason for him not wanting sex?
DeleteBelieve me, most of us have asked everything. Tried everything . Gone to counseling...
DeleteHave any of you thought that maybe your partner has been sexually abused as a child......... If your partner has drug or drink problems perhaps that self harm is a way of blockingthings out and needs addressing
ReplyDeleteIf thats the case then why were they able to have sex with us in the first few years ( he had sex with me when i was between the ages of 19 and 23) Its funny how society always looks for excuses for the refuser but never for the refused.
DeleteAnd while we are on the subject why do people always ask the refused why they stay?
Why doesnt the refuser leave the relationship hmmm????? Because they like the status of being married thats why. They like presenting the image of Happily Married Man.
So the refused is abused in the marriage and then abused AGAIN by society who like to make it all the refuseds fault.
So true
Delete@hmmm?????: You made a good point about the abuser leaving instead...but yes, you answered the question too. They like to have the image of the perfect marriage, perfect man, perfect husband. Why leave when the abuser can't do anything anyways? In many of these cases, the person being abused is even embarrass to talk about it! Talk about mental abuse! Can't talk to anyone about it, can't keep brining it up with the abuser, can't be happy, can't leave for various reasons, religion, kids, financial...It is just horrible.
DeleteI read on a forum, where a person suffering from a sexless marriage, and the husband doesn't want to go to a counselor. Then she said that she doesn't believe that the relationship is abusive. What? If someone you love refuse to better the relationship, and they are supposed to be loving you, then what does she think that he is doing to her that has drove her to the point of writing about her sexless marriage on a forum? Maybe a lot of us, or some people like her should visit the definition of love so that we don't confuse abuse and love.
Hard to bear. 26 years married, a sexless marriage by definition (less than 10 times per year) for the first 13 years and 100% sexless intimacy free relationship for the last 13. It is not possible to accept, to adjust, to get accustomed too, or suffer through and yet I an still here. Perhaps we need to understand what keeps the abused party there taking more of that abuse everyday. What is wrong with us?
ReplyDeleteMost people stay because we hope things are going to change. Because of love and because it almost feels like a petty problem, it isn't wrong as in a physical abuse where the evidence is obvious.
DeleteIt's sad for me too, I am a guy - 51 and my lady said last year that I gave her the best orgasms ever and was superman - no way I was 51(she said I was like a 20 year old) Seriously, we had sex for hours . Now she rarely (once a month if that) will have sex, there are many excuses, she says "I am fat and ugly and I don't see how anyone would want to have sex with me" (she does weigh 270 but down from 295 in 2 months) another excuse is , I worry about bills because I can't get a job (she lost her job last year due to nervous condition - which I supported her emotionally all the way through) I always made sure she came first in bed and reassured her of her desirability. We talked of marriage last year many times but I have stopped for the sexlessness and she criticizes my dog and says she hates her because she whines and growls. She also refuses to ride in the car with me driving as she says "You are the worst driver ever". I have to mention that our relationship was rolling along beautifully before last November - then she slipped 2 disks and was out of action for a month laying in bed. Now she sleeps till 3 PM , and we don't hardly do anything together like we did - we played games, went out , had great sex, bowled and other sports together. We were inseparable. She also has a 21 year old son whom she supports that WILL not work or go to school - he said that he never wants to work and he weighs 360 pounds. She has to take food to him (usually fast food which further aggravates the problem). But our relationship is making me VERY sad now, obviously , we live together like roommates, rarely exchange I love you , always just 'love you - so sad. I hope this isn't too confusing because I tend to ramble.
ReplyDeleteIs there any help for us? My Mom who once was hip and liked her alot now tells me not to marry her because she will leave soon enough. There is more to my sad life but that is all I have the energy to say right now. I could breakdown right now and cry forever, but what good would it do ? This is a dangerous situation because we have both suffered with severe depression in the past and this could have dire consequences - I am not trying to be dramatic, just honest - isn't that what you want ?
I am sad for you too bro, but don't cry man... You could be getting more if you didn't.
DeleteYou sound like a nice bloke. Im sorry you are going through this. My husband hasnt touched me for 17 years. I did have an affair for 4 and a half years which ended 5 years ago. I love animals. I have a cat. I cant understand ppl who dont like animals.
DeleteBecause animals are always loving and never judge you.
Who thinks I should give up ? And why .. just asking (51 above) Any body appreciate a good man out there ? I may soon be out there. Just not a quitter but it seems the flame is out.
DeleteA slow death...especially hard if your husband is a hard worker & nice. 10 yr without making out, 2yr with no sex. After year of marriage a tap on bottom turned into a fetish, the porn fetish-erictile dsyfunction. Now husband by my demand getting penile implant,wondering if that will even help. 17yr in , 2 -13yr., I'm dying inside..noone understands cause hes such a good worker. Should of left many years ago-bitter & mean now. A slow death...feel so insecure. & doesn't even try to please me other ways...what's wrong with me? UG!
ReplyDeleteOmg! I know this to well... I've been married a little over 2 years. Now I wouldn't say I have a sexless relationship as we do have sex a few times a month. Only problem is I feel like I have to force my husband to have sex with me!!!! I know I'm attractive and I've never had problems catching the attention of other men. I know I'm not "boring" in bed... I'm a natural freak ill do just about anything. Yet still every time I want to have sex with my husband there's always an excuse.... I'm tired, I'm sore, I have to get up early,I don't feel like it now, in the morning I promise.... Urghhhh!!!!! It makes me so mad! And to add to it ,when we do have sex it last maybe 5 mins then he just rolls over , gives me his back and passes out! I just lay there like wtf! .now if all that wasn't bad enough let me add that his phone is filled with porn pictures videos and so I his computer history.... He will say he's going to the washroom but actually just sit there and look at his gallery of naked girls! I don't deny I like porn too but not to his extent and it doesn't interfere with my sex life .
ReplyDeletePeople can treat each other so badly, saying the nasty things that people here have mentioned their "loved ones" have said to them. This will not do! Love... What is it anyway? When asked what the most important laws were Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Matthew 22:37-39.
ReplyDeleteIt will take our whole lives to learn and practice this kind of love, to really understand its beauty, desirability, and life giving qualities. And that includes of course love toward ourselves. NO WAY can we put up with nasty abuse from our partners.
Life is so full of fear because there are so many reasons we don't want to/ perhaps even can't to an extent, leave. But we have to pray for God to help us leave abuse! We don't deserve it! Abuse through mean things said and done is death, not love.
And abuse will infect us. We need to go to God, a higher power, the universe, the unknown, unknowable, the mystery, the what-ever that created life, that is life, to be cleaned of that infection.
As for sexual life
My sexual desire and my body, I am realizing are parts of me, they are parts of my life. I have had problems being intimate and I found someone with problems being intimate. But I don't want to settle for being alienated from my body and my sex, and my sexuality. I want life to flow to and through all of me.
I know that I can't give up on this wish and desire for my life. I also see how shutting off sex, that both I and my partner have done, goes beyond the physical. Now that I really look at it other aspects of being present and connected have also been shut off. There are good things about our relationship, deep good things. But this death part, or this out in another universe part away from our bodies, is not good. I believe God gave us life to live. This messed up world is so painful and impacts the life God gave us. But we HAVE to go in the direction of healing as best we can. We can't get complacent, and tolerate living death.
As for abuse, that is easy in this corruption filled world. But we have to resist that too! Don't accept an abusive life! Pray for and fight for your life! Ask God's help. It will make the world a better place. The proof is the bitterness that is represented here in these comments. Can folks practice a loving nature in the world when they go home and their lover treats them like garbage?
What is a guy to do, knowing he is not enough for the love of his life? Does he go forward and let her pretend she loves him (she means well, and treats me well) , or do I admit to myself that I'm not good enough and lose the best thing I have ever come across?
ReplyDelete@not good enough. Your comment is a question. Funny that I have been thinking I need to write an article about being true to yourself. Because it is important that you don't ruin someone else's life when you are pretending to be something you're not. There are so many instances that I wish I knew my mates better before I got involved. It is so painful having to put-up with or live with something that is against all your beliefs. Because when your mate is unhappy, you will know that, and how can you live with her being unhappy -if you really love her? With me, if I am unhappy, I sure will let you know, so either way, whether the person is voice-trous or not, you will still eventually feel some sort of pain, if it is real love. I hope you will consider that you are not just doing her a favor, but also yourself. There is the part that love is selfish, but if you have any kindness in you, set her free, tell her about it and let her decide. Life is short, if you read all these comments, you will see that a lot of people here suffer. They have to live unhappily because a long time ago they committed to something that now turned out different.
DeleteI can hear the song...Turn Me Loose by LoverBoy right now in the background. I think we all might as well just date, or rent mates for the day. Good luck, I sincerely hope that you will make the right choices. There is someone for everyone, and it might be harder to find, but it is not impossible.
why does every relationship of mine end up celibate or with sex being used as a manipulation weapon? I cant do this hurt anymore. My crime? I fell in love with someone who told me he wanted me & that he would never hurt me. I fell for him really hard & we had an extremely fulfilling physical, spiritual & emotional sex life. We both felt that we had found our soul mate, so we got married. Fast forward six & a half years & I'm sitting here crying my eyes out & in so much pain. What happened to the man I loved?Change is inevitable but the man I married is gone & I feel I am living with a good friend. There is no touching, no physical or emotional intimacy, no sex, I am completely rejected as anything other than a companion. When we got together DH who is 15 or so years older than me explained he had ED but this was not a problem as he had meds for this. For a time it wasn't a problem at all. I don't even know when it all started to go wrong he doesn't appear to want me anymore which is destroying me. Not as a wife or a lover anyhow. We never argue. Never. I love him like I have loved no other & am sure he loves me & that if I left he would be heart broken as would I. We have sex once every three to five months on average & when we do it is what I would call a total failure, & this has been going on for years. Not just sex has gone but intimacy, affection, cuddling. I am almost always rejected & recently told him I will not touch him any more as I cant stand the pain of constant rejection anymore. I am in Phase Three, looking for a way out. We are living a lie. A sham marriage. We've talked & talked & he says its his problem & that he will get help yet does nothing. Says he feels like a perv for having a younger wife. WTF? Why didnt he think about this BEFORE we got married. I still love him & wish things could be as they were, for me our age difference is irrelevant. Let me warn others out there about getting involved with someone with ED - they might say it is not a problem but if they have psychological issues & stop wanting you then this exacerbates the problem. Being physically unable to have natural spontaneous sex coupled with psychological issues & total refusal to seek help = forced celibacy. Until what? until I walk away? or am I at the age of 42 expected to be celibate for the rest of my life? Celibacy should be an individuals choice, not a decision that is enforced on you by a spouse or partner. I have built a wall around myself before & I am doing it again now. I'm not sure I even have the confidence to get naked & have sex with another person. I feel so disgusted about myself. No confidence. Too hurt bitter & angry. No one to talk to about the pain, so I just write it down & then burn it. The irony is that on the odd occasion that DH does want sex he appears to enjoy it (all five minutes) I, needless to say, don't enjoy it, I am too numb & hurt to feel anything but anger & sadness. Afterwards I lie in the dark & cry. Same if I masturbate. Afterwards I curl up in a ball & cry my eyes out. It would hurt & be incredibly damaging to walk away but staying is excruciating also. I think it might be easier to be single & celibate, than to spend the rest of my life living in a sexless sham marriage.
ReplyDeletei can really relate to this article. i have been married for almost 5 years and yet we are living in a sexless marriage. its frustrating and depressing. im even thinking of leaving him. everything else okey. he's a good listener, good provider, and spends time with me but the only thing is he doesnt like to have sex. i dont know what to do. please help me. i dont want my relationship to end just because of this. sometimes i feel its me. i feel like im not attractive to his eyes no more. we always fight about it. almost every month. he will always say that he is gonna change. but same things over and over :( should i end my relationship? what should i do.
ReplyDeleteOMG this is sounds exactly like my situation - i would recommend you stay as long as you can. when you feel that you are in putting more then he is or she then u must end it. the only was it works is if everything is equal.
DeleteI am a male with similar issues. We would have fights almost every night, then I was talking to my children's adult female baby sitter and said "don't you know". I assured her I did not. My children's baby sitter said "she is picking fights right near bedtime so she does not have to have sex with you ". The next time she started picking the fight I told her that I was a big boy and if she did not want sex just tell me, but don't rip my guts out with these fights. I stopped asking for sex. We had sex when she initiated it, which was rare. Now I am 61 and bitter. She was a wonderful mother, we have similar values, but as far as a companion to me or a sex partner it did not happen.
ReplyDeleteYes I can explain it. Men need three things: Need them,Feed them, Breed them
ReplyDelete1. To be needed...unfortunately, women tend to think having chores for the man to do fulfills that need. Consider this assumption: Women truely believe that a man lives for something to break so he can fix it! Or that fathers day, or bday, or anniversary is the perfect time to give him a god damn tool, to do some goddamn task for YOU! If you hired a handyman you would at least pay him for his services, maybe would give him some pussy(which cost you nothing), but for your personal field hand, that gave up all other options for you...he gets nothing.I advise all men to buy their wives vacuums, and tools to work around the house with, it shows them he is thinking about her personally.
2. Feed him. I'm sorry that your mama was such a pitiful example...learn to cook.
Even a stray dog that you kick and cuss, and make to feel hated, will keep coming back if you will just feed him...you worthless cunt.
3. Breed him...IT COST YOU ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!!
Consider this....you probably gave away your virginity for a six pack and a happy meal. Probably even for less as partners multiplied like the national deficit.
Now that you want to be love, honored and cherished, YOU"RE NEVER GONNA GET IT THE WAY YOUR HEART WANTS IT BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOU ...at best he might love you for a while...but you have no honor, you despised that for some pimple faced boy, who gave you no true commitment...maybe you pushed him to say he loved you, maybe he just said it cause it made you open your legs and lay down...you both got what you deserved...he got a nut with a cum dump, and you gave up your right to be honored and cherished..and that not only makes me happy, it makes me smile. so in review...
If you are already used (one unwed partner) you are just that...used.
More than one...hell your worthless as tits on a boar hog. All men know it.
Its not mostly men who do hold back sex and use it as a weapon...its women. Think about it...you with hold something that cost you nothing, has no value, then you get mad when your husband doesn't crave you anymore. More power to him. There is a natural cure for erectile dysfunction...its called getting rid of the old, and getting a younger model. Heh heh heh.
Wow you are beyond bitter!
DeleteShe has given you reasons to be TRASH, beyond RECYCLE.
You have the most disgusting reply among all these hurting people.
Heh heh heh
After waiting 11 years for my wife to resume sexual relations , I realized I was wasting my time. I now cheat and did not realize what a lazy lay she was. My sex life is much better now. Nothing physically wrong with my wife, she just got sick of me after 40 years and five kids. No real hugs or affection. No real intimacy. She sleeps on the couch. At first it hurt. now I can't bear the thought of being intimate with her again. I still love her like a good friend who stuck it to me and twisted the knife.
ReplyDeleteI can't help but think it is a matter of personality and sexual drive. People who end up sexless must have it in their dna.
DeleteThat was also my situation. My hubby is now 61, I am 57 and been married 40 years. The number of years of dealing with those "quickies", him rolling over and snoring were so frustrating. Then to top it all off being told when to stop having children (we had 2) when I wanted another one, and being told to go to work at an outside job I hated. I remember nearly divorcing when our youngest daughter had a baby, was being a real bitch toward me, and my hubby took her side. She refused to allow me to see and possibly hold her daughter, (my granddaughter) causing me to cry and chewed me out because of it. Anyway, I stuck it out. I guess life tore my husband down and humbled him. He grew up in a divorced home, no role model on how to treat a wife. Then PTSD from Vietnam war caught up with him causing the VA to over-medicate him. He could not work at that time and was made to retire early. We weren't finished paying off our home and loans made earlier in our life. We had to file for bankruptcy. Kind of brought him to his knees. He went through a bought of ED that hormone replacement helped tremendously. Now our marriage is as perfect as it could get at our age, or any for that matter. He tries to satisfy me first with whatever it takes right down to those toys and all. We go to sleep every night holding hands and kiss every day and tell each other our love for the other often. We talk all of the time. When we visit one of our children and time and people get in the way of our time alone together, we remedy that by going to bed early if only to just talk. Communication is such a huge important role in a relationship that when you're young and having the responsibility of children and jobs, and stress of elderly parents and making ends meet financially, it can effect your role as a couple.
ReplyDeleteSuccess! So awesome to know that the man can actually change and be more attentive. Really truly love you and concern about how you feel. You are the blessed one now. Communication is very important - but the most important element that I saw in your wonderful, inspiring story is the change in your husband. That change is what has brought on new eyes for him. Now he can actually see you as you are, and love you as he should. How wonderful it is to hear that you two hold hands to drift off to sleep. My SO and I do that too.
DeleteI wish more of the partners would change for the better and enjoy life as they should. I can't imagine that one spouse can continue to watch the other not happy, tormented and not feel like they want to do something about it.
Me and my husband had a long distance relationship before getting married coming together once a week and intimacy was rare then. Moving in together and marriage has proven even less physically. I feel like a piece of furniture and am even jealous of the cat that seems to get more attention than me. I want touch, to feel wanted, to feel anything. Talking to him about it he said his equipment was just a straw to pee from as it wasn't interested. We went to doctors, nothings wrong. He looks at pretty girls online (never porn but he used to when I was at work until I kept throwing fits. Only naturally right
ReplyDelete.) He is aroused while sleepin easily but if he wakes even the slightest its as if he is repulsed by me. He makes me feel like a monster when I try to talk about it. (So open naturally I find myself hesitant even saying the word sex to him). He says he knows I need him in that way but nothing changes and I'm so lonely for warmth, touch, and intimacy. What kills me worse is that I am a recovering sex addict. I love this man and admit this to be my first faithful relationship I don't want to ruin it but I'm climbing walls. I have even discussed maybe opening my end as most everything else is good but he seems hurt by it and I don't want to hurt him but I'm feeling like I'm drowning in my own skin. What's wrong here?
My husband and I started out in a long distance relationship. We saw each other once a week and were intimate only once a week. Gradually that dropped off too. Together we're good in all departments except that. It makes me obsess that it's something to do with me. WE went to doctors when my husband mentioned once that "It's nothing more than a straw to p*ss from" and that he had no desire. Promised we'd work on it, even just letting me work on stimulating him. He shies away from me, like I'm revolting, even in his sleep. *He'll make moves on me while unconscious, get aroused, kiss and nibble on me as well as "hump" but as soon as I show interest he's completely opposed and rolls over dismissing me altogether. Early on in our relationship I'd be at work and discover later that he'd been watching porn I'd gently ask why he would do that when I'm not around and he'd tell me simply "because you weren't here when the moment came up" I worked 3 days a week and he's only interested on the days I work? Now there's no porn because he says it's not interesting. I feel like a piece of furniture and am even jealous of the cat because she gets more physical affection than me just by being petted. I love him, we're good in all other departments but all Physicalities have perished. Me being a recovering sex addict, in my first faithful relationship *yay me* is now drowning in my own skin. I just want to feel warmth, touch, anything that makes me feel desired again. I had discussed with him opening my end of the relationship just for sex and he seems hurt by it. I feel like a monster and can't even say the word sex anymore. What's going on here? What's really going on?
ReplyDeleteHi there wow im so shocked it always felt like I was the only one sufdering from a sexless life. O have been married for 5 years and we have a beautiful 3 year old daughter together.before we got mareied our relationship was awesome as for religious issues sex was not an option for us and it never became a problem as we were together for 4 years before gettibg married. The night we got married evwrythibg changed.after 3 weeks of failing to have sex dr said I had vaginitimis sorry dont know how to spell. It took a while for me to be xomfortable and relax to enjoy sex but the feeling changed and made it to be a duty rather something enjoyable and til this day I still dont enjoy it infact for this past year its turned into a sexless life and ny hubby doesnt complain we both agree we need to fix this yet nothing has changed. I love my hubby but I just dont want to have sex. Also at the age of 14 I was touched in the wrong way by my uncle which also makes me feel like this cud be another reason. My hubby now wants to have another baby but im affraid havin another one will make me feel unhappy in my marriage and more responsibility will come up. Please help
ReplyDeleteHmm... interesting to see all of these responses here. I haven't finished reading all of them. I've been in a relationship with a guy now for almost 10 years. I'm in my late 20s and he's in his early 30s. The first 6 or 7 years was pretty good sexually, and then of course it slowly declined but I really noticed within the past 3 years that I wasn't liking how often we were intimate. For the past two years, it's been from about once every two weeks and it's declining to the point where it recently is almost a month and we haven't been intimate. At first I thought it was me, and then I figured he does have a stressful job, but now I'm thinking he's not that into me as much anymore after almost 10 years and he doesn't take care of himself. He's thin as well, but he drinks a lot of beers later in the evening, smokes cigarettes and doesn't workout, so it's visible in his stomach. Everything else about him is good looking and he is a really nice man. He shows me affection with kisses, tells me he loves me, and we still hold hands, but when it comes to sex, it scares me to know that it will most likely keep declining. I would have no problem wearing lingerie and sexy outfits but I would feel silly doing it in front of him now... he's not the type to want to do phone sex, or tell me to dress up in stockings. About 5 or 6 years ago, we did go to Victoria's Secret to buy some nice things and I had no problem wearing it. As for porn, he watches it on the internet every now and then. I admit it used to bother me when he did (but it was when we were not as sexual anymore), and then I realized people need new things and I couldn't really be that mad at him because I like porn too so it would be hypocritical of me. However, the thing with me is I'd prefer if he watched porn and also was still interested in more sex. I also noticed he seems uncomfortable watching sex scenes in TV shows or movies when I'm with him. He'll reach for his beer or cigarette or try and fumble around with something. Not sure if he's trying to be respectful of my presence or what... I just feel he wouldn't be uncomfortable if he were to be alone. Any guys here do this in front of their wife/fiancé/girlfriend? I'm curious about this. Anyhow, I am too young to be in this situation, I don't want to solely rely on sex toys and it wouldn't be right for me to flirt with other men to get that sexual excitement (I do like knowing other men are interested though). I was blessed with a good metabolism and I've never been anywhere near overweight so it was confusing to me at first, but I just think he's obviously not that into me sexually as he was before and his work, his health habits are not helping our situation. My ideal amount of sex would be at least twice a week. He's a good man though, so that's why it's a tough situation.
ReplyDeleteOk... So my boyfriend and i had the normal 3x a week sex. Nothing super fantastic but alway enjoyable. Then he didnt try for 3-4 weeks. I dont usually get things started and going. But after 2 weeks of no sex i tried... And was shot down. Well then one morning i walked into our living room and caught him watching porn. Pretty skinny blonde girls... And im not fat but chunky and i sure in the hell am not blonde. Now i feel very insecure. I love him very much and we talked about i can no longer have an orgasm because im hurt that he would rather watch porn than be with me and now all i can picture is him jerking off to skinny perfct beautiful blondes(id like to add that im not stupid... I know guys enjoy porn and masterbation... Which is normal and healthy, but when he hasnt even attepted to have sex with me in 4 weeks then its an issue in my mind) so we talked about how we need to have more foreplay and we need to be hitting the sheets longer to try to make sure i get off too, because its extremely frustating! Well now ever since then he can barely last a minute or he cant keep it up. Which ends up making me feel worse about myself.... Basically im 25 hes 27 and I NEED HELP AND ADVICE! i cant live the rest of my life like this... I enjoy sex to much! HELP PLEASE!
ReplyDeleteWow, I didn't think anyone had the same feeling that I did. The way you described how the woman feels in a sexless relationship is right on point.
ReplyDeleteNow, I'm not in a sexless marriage but I feel I'm in a sexless relationship. I'm 19, VERY high sex drive and very fit and pretty. But for some reason my current boyfriend just doesn't want to have sex with me. He says he loves me, that he's attracted to me and whatnot but we still have a problem. . . It's not that he has no sex drive or that he can't get it up, he just doesn't want sex from me. He could have a full blown hard on laying next to me and turn over and go to bed!!!! It's so irritating because he will masturbate when I go to work out of "boredom." I've tried everything, sexy pictures and videos, outfits, thinking about another woman joining us, sexting, watching porn together... But he would rather watch porn/look at other girls/cam girls/Vine sluts and Jack off then touch me! I've tried to talking to him about how horrible it makes me feel. But it hasn't seemed to do much except start an argument. We fight about this every other week or so! We've been together for 2 years and this is really getting frustrating for me. We never really fight about anything else and our relationship is great... except porn is tearing is apart and I feel he's doing nothing to change it!
I know men are men, they watch porn and all that crazy shit. Porn wouldn't be a problem if he would touch me more than once every 2 weeks! I'm at loss... I don't want to leave him because of sex, i love the fuck out off him, but my self esteem is wearing thin and Its beginning to affect how I feel on a daily basis..
I need some advice from the women on here as being a man I am on the receiving end of my missus not wanting sex because she feels it's like having sex with a brother figure.
ReplyDeleteI've been in a sexless marriage for ten years and, sadly, having read/ participated in countless forums, I have concluded that when it is the man who doesn't want sex, there is usually nothing that can be done to change that. Any changes will be temporary and only for the sake of avoiding more tears or anger from the wife.
ReplyDeleteIn my case I went through all the stages- calmly asking what was wrong, the tears, the anger with myself, the anger with him, but nothing really makes any difference, he is oblivious to the problem. What really hurt was that when I tried to discuss the problem in a calm and loving way, the only reply from him was 'I don't know'. This made things much worse for me, because I just needed to hear a reason, even if it was 'I don't find you attractive'. I felt that I at least deserved a full sentence in reply to my questions! My self esteem dropped to very low and I felt very ugly, so much so that I started avoiding people and life in general.
Then I realised that I was losing my self-respect and that no one was worth all the pain I was going through. I decided to accept the situation and never mention it to him again. I then started building myself up to being me again, concentrating on other things I enjoy. I still love him, he is a friend and he is important to me, but, he isn't my first priority anymore. Very occasionally, he shows signs of being interested, and I can tell that he wants me to respond by initiating sex, but I just pretend I haven't noticed! I think alot of men only want what they can't have! I'm not interested anymore. Nowadays, I sometimes find myself talking to him as though I'm his mother! lol Thats how much things have changed! When I feel like flirting, I do so online. Its a great way to receive a little (albeit meaningless) flattery. I would never be tempted to go any further or to cheat, but I can understand why some would cheat and I think in some cases it is perfectly justified!
Thanks for sharing. This is exactly how I feel about myself at some point. When my husband responded, I don't know! I want to ask him so bad: "Ok, now what?" What or how would you like me to do? What if you were on this side of the table, what would you do? Would you go find a sex buddy? Would you call quits with this marriage? Would you try to do something about it?" I don't know and I don't want to talk about it are two responses that basically are the same as I don't give a hoot about your feelings.
DeleteFor many women in general, there is nothing wrong with them in terms of looks or personality. Yet, trapped in a sexless relationship and suddenly they will start thinking there everything wrong with them, or their body. The mental sadness and depression sets in. Especially when they are the one that has to always bring up the subject, or initiate the sex.
I haven't try flirting online yet, but that might be the way to get something emotionally.
I sometimes wondered if cheating should be classified as cheating in sexless situations. Since the mate doesn't want it anyways so what does it matter if sex is done else where? The years go by and precious time had been wasted! I guess I am at the end of the third phase in Self Sagacity's article. LOL
Thanks for replying to my post.
DeleteYou are right 'I don't know' does equal 'I don't really care'.
Now I think to myself 'why on earth did I even want to have sex with someone who wasn't really interested? I'm worth more than that'.
I once suggested to my husband that as he wasn't interested, would he mind if I discretely had my needs met elsewhere. He definitely did not like that idea! I have met just one person, online, who has a lover with her husband's approval, as long as she is discrete and always 'goes back to him'. All the others seem to have the attitude 'I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else enjoying you either'.
Does being at the end of the third phase mean you are going to leave him? If so, then I admire you and wish you loads of luck in a new life!
OMG! Why so many miserable people staying to together? Married people with kids because of kids? Single people, why do you tolerate a miserable relationship with a bf/gf? You're free to go, never settle for less! Run! Run! Set yourself free. Just wow! the amount of miseries out there. This world sell sex sucessfully everyday, on TV, magazines, webpages, phones. They get rich on this subject and here are a whole bunch of people not getting any. Have you firgure out that YOU, YOURSELF ARE YOUR WORSE ENEMY?
ReplyDeleteIn some ways you are right, but, nothing is ever that simple!
DeleteIf it is the beginning of a relationship, then yes, it would be easy to walk away, but, often the relationship was good to start with and the sexless thing only becomes apparent months or even years later and, in the meantime you have become very fond of the sexless partner and keep hoping the situation will improve and all will be good again.
Maybe the media portrayal of sex makes the situation worse as we think that everyone else is enjoying a healthy crazy sexlife and that makes the feelings of sadness and desperation even worse.
DeleteI mean no offence to anyone with this post as I may be totally wrong and I am not accusing all men of being paedophiles, but there are so many news reports in the media about paedophiles, both active and those who look at child porn, and I remember reading a discussion between men about the ages of 'hot women' and the conclusion was that only females in their teens and early twenties were sexually desirable. A quick google search confirmed that there seems to be alot of 'young teens' porn. In some countries, girls are married at an age that would be considered disgustingly young in our culture.
Might it be the case that men are biologically programmed to desire young, very fertile females? It is a horrible thought, but, maybe there are many 'closet' men who find young girls appealing and are simply not attracted to adult females?
Tired of begging
ReplyDeleteim 40 mwm 3 kids married close to 15 years. feel like in a sexless marriage i would prefer everyday but know that not going to happen shes like every 6 weeks if that i try to compromise i give her oral i get none in return i love her dearly she is a keeper but im frustrated sexually. i have to masturbate to relieve myself i don't think this is fair.
Anonymous in USA
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