Confronting I Never Said That:
Yet, it bothered me. I felt like a piece of me was missing. The thoughts of possibly more future episodes of being on trial made me feel disgusted. I wanted to confront my good friend right away how inappropriate it was to share something just between us. On the other hand, I didn't want to spoil the harmonious current, so I sat on it. Then one day while having coffee with her I brought it up. I wanted to let her know she should never shared that again with anyone else. What I thought was going to play out…didn't.
I was hoping she would say something like: "Gees, I am so sorry to have put you on the spot. It was so gracious of you to have handled it so well. And I am so glad you're telling me because sometimes I can be so stupid about what I say to our friends."
NO. Instead I got something like this: "I never said that. You said that. You brought it up. I can text our friends right now and see what they say."
First of all. No thank you, I can't imagine going through it again. Secondly, I even recalled everything I was confronted about, so why in the world would I do that to myself in the first place? This friend of mine looked me straight in the eye and said, "I did not say anything like that, I don't remember saying anything like that at all."
Did it Really Happened or I Hallucinated?
Feeling like I was in the twight-light zone, feeling like I must have had a head injury that I don't know about, I was speechless. There must be a screw loose in my head.
I was not upset about the exposed subject anymore, but now I am very upset that my friend totally denied it, or don't even remember she said it. What does this mean for me? You threw my beliefs out so that everyone can question it and you don't even have the decency to remember that you said it? It is such a small thing to you? Not knowing what this will mean in the future for me when I am confronted with it again? Worst yet, she said, I - me- not her- must have said it. Are you kidding me? Why the hell would I bring up anything about my thoughts in front of people I hardly knew? (in terms of years, my friend and I go back more than a decade.) It would be like me admitting to my deepest darkest indecent thoughts.
About Our Friendship:
My friend is a basic, kind person, but she has a problem with knowing who to say things to. I noticed that those loose lips come around when she has had more than one drink. She tends to blurt out things and most of these "OOPS's" are stuff about me that I would never have announced.
What should I do with this person?
Who is so stupid and so un-savvy about selecting the right content for conversations? I settled on stupidity, because that is the only way I can forgive. When a person is stupid, they really don't have a choice. I don't think she meant to be mean, but some of the things she said or the act of it becomes mean because of the repercussions afterwards. I've had a couple of incidents before this that I ended up having to either swallowed, or still paying for.
I don't know if any of you see Mad Men, but it would be like Roger's latest wife, Jane. She would say the dammest thing without knowing what she said would be just utterly unforgivable, or could put the person in such awkward situations.
What I don't understand is why she just never talks about her vivid self. I am not sure why anyone would dare to speak for someone else but themselves, and thinks it's ok. Does my friend think I need someone to represent me? I am not shy about sharing, but I am choosey about that I share.
The Torment of Being with a Stupid Person:
See, when it happens, I tried to educate her why I don't want it to happen again. This isn't easy, because I have already spent hours thinking about how to say it and why it is inappropriate. It isn't easy being the one to always call on the faults. But if I don't, what kind of friend am I? It pains me every time to have to "talk" to this person about conflicts.The same has to be true for this person, she can't really feel that great about me if she always felt like I am trying to tell her what to do. I think she thinks I enjoy it. No, I want someone smart and just as tactful - so that I don't have to always watch I back.
Things You Can Do to Help the Stupid Person:
After a previous incident, a) I sent my good friend a list of things she can say about me to casual friends. I tried to work with her, because the value of our friendship is worth much more than my pride or my feelings. b) I've also told her the list of things that I am not so comfortable sharing with everyone or it would cause repercussions, but because we've known each other for so long, there is always something that I haven't covered.
c) End the friendship.
What do you think?
Here are Self Sagacity's Thursday Two Questions #166
1) Is it better to be in a friendship as the stupid person or to be the one who has to put up with the stupid person?
2) It seemed like too much pain every time trying to rectify the wrong. Do you just walk away from this person because they are stupid?
Message about Thursday Two Questions: Since I have been enjoying the shares from week to week, whether it's motivation, or tutorials, questions, recipes, or ranting from the commentators. I am open to ANYTHING you wish to link, so link-up and thanks for stopping by. Smiles
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13 Comments
Amanda, Wow. First, I don't think it is stupidity in this situation because she denied to you that she said anything and basically told you that you brought it up. Also if you have to send her lists about what she can say or not say, that is just ridiculous. Whether stupid or not, I would walk away from her. She's just not worth all that stress and trouble. I never trust anyone who will blurt out what I have told them whether it be in confidence of not. You don't need that in your life.
ReplyDeleteThat's great advice. I think the obvious is to walk away. There is no need for this type of relationship when there is insecurities about trust.
DeleteI am so sorry about your experience Self Sagacity. It is particularly upsetting when close friends say things that upset us. I find it amazing the things that some persons say and believe that it is okay. Boggles the mind! I would rather not be the person who says things that create all sorts of problems. If I point it out to the person and it does not stop he/she would not see me very often. Take care and my best wishes to you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why it started recently, it was not like this before. It's ok - just made me think about things a little different. Everyday I learn something new.
DeleteI have had friend and family that were equally as casual/careless about things I would have never divulged in public so after that they just were not privy to things I did not want buzzed around town. My discomfort completely alluded them!!
ReplyDeleteSounds like a good idea. Just shut them out. Though I wish I could somehow erase her memory. haha :d
DeleteI would not reveal to them any secrets or stuff to them again. I have shut out such people in my life and if I do have to see them coz they are relatives I keep any conversations to the latest trends/ weather and nothing personal or anything to do with my kids.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a plan! I admire people who can shut people out. It's really a complicated situation though. I need an exit strategy.
DeleteYikes..I would distant myself from this person. I can deal with stupidity but to bluntly lied or turned it around on me would be hard to take.
ReplyDeleteShe is really not worth your time or consideration..
I guess you caught on to this. There is no then just stupidity here, it's the denial, or even worst. She was intoxicated and completely do not remember what she said!
DeleteWow. Tough questions. I really depends on you. If you will miss her a lot, the breaking up might not be the answer. What you could do is keep your friendship but be careful what you share with her.
ReplyDeleteThat's horrible you were put in that position. I've had it happen before and it really makes you guarded about the things you share with friends from there on out. I'd probably continue to still talk to her, but would stick with general, non personal topics from here on out.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a good heart Amanda to go to the lengths of giving the person things they can be okay to say about you.
ReplyDeleteForgiveness is very hard at times, and we all have to work through it, but not everyone can be trusted with certain areas of our hearts. Sometimes we only learn this from experience and it's okay to be selective with what you share with whom.
Maybe I'm judging right now, but I feel like the person remember exactly what happened and why it was said, but didn't expect to be confronted and in fear, blurted out that she didn't do it. It might be such a good practice to do that and not have to face any consequences, that is has not become the norm for her, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it.
A stupid person would probably have said: Really? And you are still holding on that? Come on girl, it's your stuff so what if someone knows.
A stupid person is really clueless.
Maybe it was not meant to be mean and it just came up, but that was a terrible situation to put you in when it was so unexpected, however it wasn't just someone being stupid.
It is hard to find a good friend, but the loyal and really caring ones are rare.
1. I didn't know you were still doing TQT. Plus I've lagged with my questions and Aloha.
Q1 . I don't know. I rarely trust anyone, so when I do, I know you to a certain degree and if you begin doing crazy things with my heart nad information, then you are limited. Stupid or not.
2. Like I say, they'll be limited. I don't have to cut them off completely, but I wouldn't be sharing with them deep secrets anymore, just the regular things that everyone else already knows.
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