Being There for a Friend Who Has Lost a Family Member

Losing a family member is a crushing blow, and if your friend has lost someone close to them, you want to take the pain away for him or her but know that’s virtually impossible. You feel so helpless and might even be tempted to avoid this person—this is not a time to step away from your friend. As hard as it is, be there. There are things you can do to help and, whether it’s a big thing or a small thing, your friend will remember that for years to come. Being there for a friend who has lost a family member can be challenging, but we can help. Read on for ways you can help a grieving loved one.

Show Up

First and foremost, show up. As we mentioned above, a natural reaction is avoidance. This is human nature, so if you’re feeling the pull, don’t feel guilty—but do fight it. This person needs you now more than ever. Even if it’s awkward and you have no idea what to say or do, show up—literally and figuratively. Go to this person’s house and let him or her know that you’re there for anything they need. Whether it’s picking up a prescription, dry cleaning, or an errand that has to do with the funeral, let this friend know you’re there to help. And on the emotional side of things, let him know that yours is a shoulder to cry on, for however long he needs. Just being there is half the battle. Not in the immediate vicinity? Call, and send help where you can. Whether it’s a cleaning service like Merry Maids to help them keep their house in order while they deal with planning, or having flowers delivered, the little things make all the difference.

Assist With the Planning

Your friend might be fighting the same tendencies you have felt. She might not want to even get out of bed to face the grieving process or the tasks necessary to plan the funeral. This can make financial burdens even harder to deal with. Funerals can be extremely costly, and without a plan in place, devastating to one’s bank account. Does she know if her loved one had life insurance? Funeral insurance? Use a site like www.burialinsurance.org as a reference for the coverage provided under such plans, and try to get in touch with the actual insurer as soon as possible. Help your friend to read the necessary documents to get proper funeral planned; money worries should be the last thing on her mind.

Become Her Mouthpiece (At Least for a While)

While a proper funeral is a key component in the healing process, there’s no denying that this is going to be extra painful for your friend. Consider stepping up and being the one who greets people at the wake, funeral, and/or house after the funeral. Thank everyone for coming as guests get there and leave. Be the person who stores any gifts or food people bring to help your friend out. As Huffington Post contributor Megan Devine notes, “There might be ways you can shield and shelter your friend by setting yourself up as the designated point person — the one who relays information to the outside world,  or organizes well-wishers.” Running interference so she can have her own chance to process her feelings is a huge help—probably more than you even realize.

Help Without Being Asked

Your loved one doesn’t want to burden anyone and, to be perfectly honest, when asked what she needs, she might not even be able to formulate an answer due to her grief. Try to be anticipatory when it comes to errands and chores that need to be done, so she doesn’t need to ask. Clean her house (or hire someone to do this), bring food or buy her a gift card to a nearby restaurant, do the laundry, or even mow her lawn. Whether you set her up for one meal or several dinners with friends through a site like Dream Dinners, she will appreciate the help. She might not even recognize what you’ve done right away, but she’ll remember you in the long run when she doesn’t have 20 to-do items to catch up on the week after the funeral.

Show Up … Again

You showed up when you first found out about your friend’s loss, but the real emotional help could be needed well after the funeral. Don’t simply assume your friend is okay if all is quiet on the home front. Make sure to check in again to make sure he is hanging in there. If you can see he is wallowing in his grief, you might politely suggest a few therapists that you know. He could be reluctant to talk about it at first, but it is necessary for him to allow himself to properly grieve in order to move on.
Be there for your friend during this horrible time; you have no idea what a huge impact you will have on the healing process.

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