Can I Be More Selfish? Learn to Love Oneself

Once in a while, I feel so unintelligent. I worry about things I can't change and want to change things that I know better to leave alone. Have you ever felt that way? The majority of women feel this way. You would think the stress alone shortens the female's life span, yet statistically women out live men.

I am a person who just can't be happy with "okay."  Okay isn't good enough, because it isn't what makes me feel good about how I am living. By feel, I am referring to a sensation for enhancements.


Today I'd like to share how I discovered my illness and hope to help you save yourself if you are clueless (like me) about self-appreciation. My sickness is the inability to be happy when I am selfish.

A typical example: If I am rushing out the door in the morning and on the verge of being late. I grabbed everything but my daughter's cup of milk, or a few cough drops for her to use during school hours. Most people would keep on going. Not me, I couldn't let her go through the day without milk, or forgive myself for not doing everything I can to ensure her comfort. So even if I had to take that extra trip back to the kitchen, meaning I could be late for work, I would do it. I rather make myself look bad than being a half ass mother. 

Because I like the way I handle things, I can't comprehend when others blow-off something that should have been done. I couldn't be anything other than who I am. 

Stop Thinking About Responsibilities

Nothing is wrong. What's wrong is me. For example, we went to the Tech Museum today and tried a computerize "Zen" detector. By taking your pulse the computer can sense whether you're in the Chaotic, Focus, Relaxed, or Zen zone. Ideally, if you haven't guessed, it's to be in Zen zone.

It was tough. It took me more than 15 minutes of sitting and breathing, still, I didn't get to the Zen zone. Oh how I struggled to get even beyond 'focused'. My SO, on the other hand, sat down and within two minutes, he reached the ultimate "Zen" zone. 

It's not fair. The exercise confirmed that I either need to learn how to be more nonchalant, or I need to make a drastic change. Even when we are playing, I can't relax. Maybe it's just hereditary that I have higher blood pressure. Maybe I just have much higher expectation than normal people. Maybe I need to stop working and do things I enjoy doing. 

Learn to Differentiate Between Need and Want

I used to sneak off in the night, stayed up late to have time to myself - it's because I feel absolutely guilty taking time for me during the good hours of the day when I can cook, help someone with something, spend time with my kids, do something for the greater good. I would totally give up my whole entire day to cook a good meal, if that's what I feel I need to do. No sitting down for me, not until it's all done.

I mistake the need to do the right thing with the desire to do the right thing. 

If every time I think of what I should be doing, I instead, evaluate the need to do it against whether it really needs to be done, and if the answer is no, I should just go sit my ass down somewhere and enjoy a movie.

Staying up late is bad for your health. Your body needs sleep so that it can produce good cells to combat all the bad ones. Quoted from Dr. Tran Perez.

You know, most people are the opposite, right? They would put their need first and make sure they are spending time indulging in whatever it is they like to do. They do not care to off-load for someone else. They can only wallow in their world, recognize that they are exhausted. This is called selfish. 

What is All This Leading Up To? 

There's a combination of many different things here, but this is leading up to me needing to be more selfish. I was brought up in an environment that if I do more, I am good. I wanted my parents to be proud of me, so I always wanted to do what I think they would want me to do so that they can be happy. As an adult, I find ways to do things for the people around me. This philosophy sucks when you're surrounded by clueless humans. They always think of themselves first. 

The Word is Selfless!

I love this word. But my advice to people like me is, drop it from your vocabulary. Live the opposite of this, because it isn't going to be easy. It's difficult to start thinking for yourself but this too is a learning. It's a skill you must master in moderation. So that there will be a happy person in those golden years.

I started asking myself to love me a little more. Stop pouring out my love and time, and health for someone else. They just don't even feel guilty for taking time for themselves, while, I struggle to even take an hour to shop for clothes that I so need. No one expects me to be this way - so I suck - period. I would never forget - my x husband asking me to please go shopping for myself...anyone else been asked by their husbands to? I don't know anyone but me. And my SO saying: "I'm tired of watching you slave for me".


There was one point in my life I had met a man who was totally good to me. My mother noticed and tried to persuade me: "If you end up with this guy, you would be blessed. He is selfless when it comes to your happiness." Of course I didn't end up with that guy- because I like rather have pain.

If I just go by my mother's point of view of being blessed, then, my mates have always been much luckier than I. They are much more blessed, because I am more selfless in the relationship. I am the problem to myself. I don't feel good spending the mate's money. So there goes the option of being a trophy wife. If I ever married someone filthy rich, it would be a waste. I wouldn't know what to do with all that money.

Sick - see?

Can I Figure This Out - Can I Change? 

The writings are on the walls - if you find yourself lost, not knowing who you are. The problem is, the older you get, the less you want to risk for that change. So I do a lot of ignoring to get by. Maybe that is how people live in general, but there's something wrong with ignoring to me. When the truth surfaced, I totally go into depression mode. Feeling as if I am a coward who dares not make the change. Disliking myself for not being able to take a step forward towards healing. I feel like I am not true to myself. Yet, I am not alone. The majority of women are much like this and they can't help themselves.

The worst part about all this is knowing what the problem is, and not being able to figure out the solution. I believe there is a solution, one must look hard to find it, but if persistent enough, it can be achieved. I believe that you can get what you seek if you really set your heart to it.

How to be Selfish and Not Feel Guilty

• Observe what the selfish people around you do, and mirror what they do. If everyone is doing the same thing, it's just a normal day. 

Here's an example: I had a roommate, who was relying on me to cook and serve the food for every meal. I am so not used to this one-way street, and often asked myself why is this happening? Yet I do it, sometimes happily, sometimes with perplexity. I do it out of consideration and respect. This went on for several years. One day, I decided to eat by myself without offering or asking. I ate in silence as this person would have if they were eating their meals. Yes. Whenever this person eats, I am never invited, they never asked whether I am hungry, would like some or even think about the possibility that of being courteous. 
The bottom line is that the person was so used to me cooking, serving, taking care of this part of their life that they've lost all the ability to find food on their own. It was pathetic. And of course I couldn't stay that way too long, but I wanted to send a message. The person never got it, eventually, that phase of my life disappeared. So like they say, when in Rome do as the Romans do.  
Caution though not to lose yourself - while training the selfish person.  


an article on being self-fish to save your health: mantalks.com/selfish-avoid-anxiety-tim-collins/
image credit: picturequotes.com