Self Sagacity

Can I Love Someone?

I had once felt a little jerk at the heart when I was in a gap-filling relationship with this arrogant someone. While we were driving in his car one fine day, a song called 'Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" came on the radio, he sang it as if he was trying to tell me something. I truly was naive and didn't really think that he was looking for someone to settle with, since I certainly wasn't. Yet, it still made me wonder and bothered me a bit - most probably pride and nothing more. I shrugged it off as 'whatever dude' and felt if I could of, I would have jumped out immediately.
Now I know that it is hella impossible to find what you're looking for when that person you want is probably yourself, as you are the only person who can understand how you feel. And sometimes that's not even possible.
What little number of relationships I've had, I felt that they've loved themselves much more than they loved me. I think for a very short time frame they did love me just a tad more, but it never stayed that way for long. They were all insufficient in some ways, and they did not deserve my love - even the person that thought I didn't deserve them - had no idea - he'd made the wrong choice.
You see, this tough cover, the facade usually made some males describe me as a player, a spoiled person, a materialistic Madona, a female that would make mother inlaws cry for her sons. But the sad truth is, I, unfortunately, am not that fortunate to be mindless, thankless, or heedless. I am actually, too responsible, extremely resourceful, and idiotically faithful. Independently naive, I do not like to pry, and certainly wouldn't ask questions that most people would. I trust my mates until there's a reason to make me not to. I rather take on the burden so that my other half doesn't have to, I rather am the one taking accountability so that I can ensure things are thought out to the finest details. I do not mind putting myself on the line to be judged, to be dealt with if it meant that my actions helped shield the person I love from unnecessary pain.
I have not encountered this reciprocity. I can recall only a father's love is that deep - so deep, and so giving. At least my father's. The pain in his eyes when he can't get me to understand that what I am doing is wrong. In one incident on a morning in Michigan when he didn't approve of me looking that certain way. 'He said: "go wash your face." gently. And I knew that he didn't like that I was wearing makeup. But worse yet, I think I didn't even know how to put it on, so I must have looked like a clown. So not only he had to look at a very young daughter with scribbles of foundation on her face, but he was now very worried about what I would become. Now - I understand that when I tried to look pretty with makeup, that was the day he felt so hurt and afraid for me. Now I know growing up and wanting things too fast got me nowhere good. I wished I understood, why and what he wanted so that could have remained sheltered and protected. Why didn't he explain his reasons for not approving?
I have a daughter, I try to explain to her my worries, and the reasons why I don't want certain things for her. I hope what I say is enough for her to realize that my guidance has the best intentions and it will help steer her in a better direction and journey. Nothing is more important to me than her success. Can I love someone? I am pretty sure that if I love someone, they would be extremely lucky. That I would take it all if I could. I would try to do my best so that they can feel loved and pampered.